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asTWISTED byDave: September 2006
As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.
Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.
As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan:
- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;
- Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;
- As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;
- When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;
- Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, 'asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?
"Well... " explains the experienced gorilla retriever, It's just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat,
Shoot the dog...
"JOKE: Gorilla on the roof" posted by
Spook at 9/25/2006 07:40:00 AM |
I just can't be bothered to do linkfests sometimes... I will do more soon.
"Images for Wednesday" posted by
Spook at 9/06/2006 08:09:00 AM |
Sorry...
"I genuinely think this is damn funny." posted by
Spook at 9/05/2006 08:11:00 AM |
(I steal these, not experience them. But, I may have some empathy for them)
when I moved back into school this year, the first I thing I did was not call up people to have a huge party, or go to bars, or play cards or video games.
no, the first thing I did was enjoy the view out my window by yelling "BOOBIES!" outside it to any girls that I saw, and then enjoying their confused looks as they tried to figure out which window it was coming from.
college- you sure do learn a lot.
"Lowbrow Moment" posted by
Spook at 9/05/2006 08:07:00 AM |
So I've been spending my day in a t-shirt and shorts on my couch. Oh, look at that, time for lunch. Have a good labor day everyone! - Spook.
"Fight Club" posted by
Spook at 9/04/2006 04:14:00 PM |
There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.
So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". He won!
"Sunday Joke: Three Eskimos" posted by
Spook at 9/03/2006 09:34:00 AM |
Spook: Here's my answer:
"QUIZ: What Kind of Mental Disorder Do You Have?" posted by
Spook at 9/02/2006 09:01:00 PM |
Thanks to my bro for redoing the patch job on my window while I was at work. Awesome!
"Thanks!" posted by
Spook at 9/01/2006 05:08:00 PM |
(I steal these, not experience them. But, I may have some empathy for them)
By Kosa:
One day when I was like 13 or 14 I think, my mom was in the kitchen reading or something. So I ask her an innocent question: "When’s your anniversary?" I asked because I knew it was the current month and I wanted to get her a gift. But instead of an innocent answer, she looks at me really seriously, almost afraid, and goes "Why do you want to know?" I look at her like she’s insane and just say "Umm . . . I’m just curious." So she then has me sit down and proceeds to say something along the lines of "I guess you’re wondering why your birthday is in July . . ." And as I sit there, she proceeds to tell me how I was born in July when my parents were married the November before. To state it blatantly, my birthday would put conception the month before my parents got married. So great, I want to do something nice for my parents and I get the gift of knowing I was partially an accident. Gee, thanks Mom!
Linkfest: Work was alright this morning, I got a lot done. But, now the hard part: looking busy!
- LIFEHACKER: How to deal with Internet Meanies [Link] "here's something about the feeling of anonymity on the Internet that can turn otherwise reasonable, pleasant people into complete blockheads. Given an open, free, global network to communicate, people use it to rant, rave, flame and complain. We've all done it.
But when YOU are the target of an insulting post or sharply-worded email, quite frankly, it can really suck. Today I've got some strategies for dealing with Internet Meanies: those faceless virtual bullies who take pleasure in shooting other people down from the safety of their keyboards."
- Life Tools [Link] "Life Tools offers free personal development training to educational institutes and communities. If you have a real appetite to be more effective and make positive changes in your life then we can help."
- Feedo Style [Link] Include RSS and ATOM content from any feed on your web site! I'd do this, but I've got it cluttered enough already.
- Firefox Extension: ListZilla [Link] This extension outputs either a plain text, vB code, or HTML file that lists all installed themes or extensions. Very helpful when switching computers. But why not go portable? My stuff is on my USB drive.
- Organize Blogger Posts [Link] labelr lets you add categories to your www.blogger.com powered blogs. I'd use this, but I can't be bothered. I have search and that's fine for me.
- The Wayback Machine [Link] Browse through 55 billion web pages archived from 1996 to a few months ago. To start surfing the Wayback, type in the web address of a site or page where you would like to start, and press enter. Then select from the archived dates available. The resulting pages point to other archived pages at as close a date as possible. Keyword searching is not currently supported.
- TEXT GAME: Hacker [Link] I think I played this before, it's just reading and typing. I do enough of that :)
- Music Lists @ Lists of Bests [Link] Riiiight.
- Giant Jaffa Cake [Link] BLUH!!!! *gag*
- Enemy Territory [Link] Enemy Territory: Quake Wars is the ultimate online strategic shooter: An objective-driven, class-based shooter set in the Quake universe. Sounds like fun, but I'm doing other things right now.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Head Cramp - Rawk Knocker
What was the last thing my TV did? Still nothing.
How am I feeling? Why? Alright, just kinda exhausted from the past 24 hours.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Cloudy, partially rainy. Perfect day for depression, but I don't have the time for that.
Random Comments: Teach what you know, learn what you don't.
"Lowbrow Moment" posted by
Spook at 9/01/2006 12:39:00 PM |
Not really, I had an attempted break & enter in my house last night. I was up until 1am replacing my front window with wood planks. I'm tired as hell and annoyed as fuck. Good luck to my coworkers who will have to deal with me today. Here's a couple jokes to start you off. - Spook.
JOKE: The Archeaologist, The Mummy & The Curator
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said - put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.
The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from the Czech Republic. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.
Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger. "O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.
"But why didn't you shoot the female when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.
"Well," said the ranger... "I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"
Linkfest: If you have a cigarette handy, smoke one for me. I'll be stuck at my desk :(
- 94/7 FM [Link] It would seem my old favourite radio station is streaming again. This time they're back as 94/7 Nation, not KNRK, as they used to be called. I'm happy they're back. The music is just as good, despite 5 years of absence.
- RootkitRevealer [Link] RootkitRevealer is an advanced rootkit detection utility. It runs on Windows NT 4 and higher and its output lists Registry and file system API discrepancies that may indicate the presence of a user-mode or kernel-mode rootkit. RootkitRevealer successfully detects all persistent rootkits published at www.rootkit.com, including AFX, Vanquish and HackerDefender (note: RootkitRevealer is not intended to detect rootkits like Fu that don't attempt to hide their files or registry keys). If you use it to identify the presence of a rootkit please let us know!
- Achieve-IT! [Link] "Helping you achieve your goals," it says as the tagline. Hmm.. looks promising. I'd better make up some goals.
- Anytime is the Right Time to Start a Company [Link] A blog post over at Blue Flavor. It looks annoyingly obvious, but if you need things pointed out to you, have fun.
- Baby Style Pouches Where You Can Carry Your Pet In a Front Style Pouch [Link] One word: Aawwww. It would be embarrassing to have your little pet take a crap or piss in those things.
- Photos and Images of World War 2 In Color! [Link] For so many years, historians and casual observers alike have observed the events of World War II through faded black and white images. What most people do not know is the fact that quite a large portion of the WWII was shot using color film!
- LIFEHACKER: Become a Gmail master [Link] "Gmail is hands-down the best web-based email service on the 'net. Conversation threads, search, tagging, and keyboard shortcuts have completely revolutionized the way I look at my inbox. I manage all of my email from my personal Gmail inbox, including the daily flood of Lifehacker messages. At this point, I can't imagine a program I could use to manage my email any more efficiently."
- LIFEHACKER: Turn To Do's into game play [Link] You lazy SOB. Get back to work!
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? 94/7 FM. Oh yeah...
What was the last thing my TV did? Nothing, been busy.
How am I feeling? Why? Tired and my head hurts. I fell asleep in an odd position this weekend and now I have a pulled tendon at the back of my head. I've been hurting all week! Quick! Ask me how my day is going, you fucker! NICE FUCKING DAY! Ah.. I need to relax.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Cloudy and it's going to rain throughout the day.
Random Comments: The trouble with troubleshooting is that trouble sometimes shoots back.
"TGIF?" posted by
Spook at 9/01/2006 07:59:00 AM |
