Tom strolls into the office at 9:45 sharp. The Admin, still reading his online newspapers notices and says "hey Tom, you're in early today."
"No, I'm not. I'm just less late."
"I guess I'm just used to it."
"Maybe, is it time for coffee break yet?"
"I'm not done checking the news yet. Can you answer the phone?"
"The what?"
"Oh, right... that word isn't in your vocabulary is it?"
"Phoney is."
"Ut-oh, who pissed you off?"
"Frickin' secretary."

"Which one?" asks The admin just as the phone stops ringing in the background. "The one with the whiny voice," answers Tom.
"Ah yes, the one with big tits and enough mascara to paint a large picture called 'cloudy midnight.' What's she on?"
"CRACK!"
"Well tell her."
"I did."
"What did she do to get you all pissy?"
"Everyday this week she's been complaining that there's something wrong with the basement computers. It's because we were forced to block instant messengers and web access down there and she was the guilty employee."
"I've been wondering where all the lesbo porn has been coming from."

The phone starts ringing again just as Tom gets excited. "REALLY?"
"No, I just like to get your hopes up. Why is she getting on your nerves anyway, it's not like she complains more than anyone else around here."
"It's her voice, it's got that pitch and intensity that scrapes along every single nerve I've got."
"Ah, I see. You hit on her and she shot you down."
"Like a one-winged duck."
"And she expects normal service from you?"
"MORE!"
"Did you get lucky?"
"Bite me."
"Did she get lucky?"
"Positive - she caught me staring at her huge cleavage."
"Owch. What's she wearing today?"
"Bright red bra with a thin white shirt and grey miniskirt"
"Tight?"
"Yup."
"Did you get caught staring again?"
"You know it."
The phone stops ringing again and The Admin looks at his watch. "Well look at that, it's coffee time. You coming?" "Sure, I could use a mochacino," says Tom as they leave for the coffee lounge.

A little while later, as they're sipping their coffees, The Girl-With-The-Whiny-Voice announces over the intercom "Tom, please return to you office. Tom, please return to your office." Tom, in no mood to deal with her, announces over the intercom, "no, you come to me. I'm down in the basement, busy fixing the problems you were complaining about earlier."

"Quick, let's hurry back," says Tom.
"What are you doing?" asks The Admin.
"You'll see."

The Admin and Tom rush back to the Technical Services Office and Tom brings up the control consoles for building security and fire drills. The Girl-With-The-Whiny-Voice is seen on camera walking down the stairwell on one of the video feeds, she arrives at the basement door and begins looking for Tom. Tom locks all the doors in the basement hallway and brings up the fire drill console. "Ah, I see," says The Admin.

The Girl-With-The-Whiny-Voice tries door after door, all locked. Tom's fingers are dialing the intercom just as he sets off the basement hallway sprinklers then announces "EVERYONE STAY OUT OF THE BASEMENT, I JUST SET OFF SOMETHING AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT! ADMIN! SHUT DOWN THE BUILDING! QUICK! I HEAR WATER!" *click*

Tom and The Admin have a good laugh as they watch The Girl-With-The-Whiny-Voice turn from a classy office secretary into what looks like a five dollar crack whore. Tom finally shuts off all systems to the entire building and smiles, nearly spraining his ears in the process. After a few moments Tom turns on the systems again, but also bringing up the video feed recording program and setting it to the basement feed.

"Um, you might wanna let her out soon," The Admin says, "or it'll start to look suspicious."
"Yeah, just a second while I get the building up and running again," says Tom.
"Wow, you can really see her good. I'm glad we upgraded those basement cameras."
"You think I should unlock the doors now?"
"Wait a second, we need something to play at the bar down the street."

A few moments pass.

"Okay, let her out now," says The Admin.


"I gotta go do some damage control," says Tom as he scampers below the cubicle line towards the back stairwell. The Admin watches the camera feeds as Tom displays his best ninja skills, avoiding being spotted by at least a dozen people on his way to the basement to prove his "innocence." He watches Tom walk through the basement hallway and hears "you better not lock me in here!" He watches Tom walk up the front stairwell and stop at The Girl-With-The-Whiny-Voice's desk. He zooms in and hears Tom tell her.

"No chatting from the basement, do it at your desk like the rest of us."

• Use Bounce Fabric Softener Sheets Best thing ever used in Louisiana... just wipe on and go...Great for Babies.
• Bob, a fisherman, takes one vitamin B-1 tablet a day April through October. He said it works. He was right. Hasn't had a mosquito bite in 33 years. Try it. Every one he has talked into trying it works on them. Vitamin B-1(Thiamine Hydrochloride 100 mg.)
• If you eat bananas, the mosquitoes like you, - something about the banana oil as your body processes it. Stop eating bananas for the summer and the mosquitoes will be much less interested.
• This is going to floor you, but one of the best insect repellents someone found (who is in the woods every day), is Vick's Vaporub.
• Plant marigolds around the yard, the flowers give off a smell that bugs do not like, so plant some in that garden also to help ward off bugs without using insecticides.
• "Tough guy" Marines who spend a great deal of time "camping out" say that the very best mosquito repellant you can use is Avon Skin-So-Soft bath oil mixed about half and half with alcohol.
• One of the best natural insect repellants that that a friend discovered is made from the clear real vanilla that is sold in Mexico. It works great for mosquitoes and ticks, don't know about other insects.
• When all else fails--get a frog.

You were born on a Wednesday
under the astrological sign Libra.
Your Life path number is 1.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 9.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 8.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 6, 11 & 22.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2444156.5.
The golden number for 1979 is 4.
The epact number for 1979 is 2.
The year 1979 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 1/28/1979 and ending 2/15/1980.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Goat.

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 15 April 1979.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 22 April 1979.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 28 February 1979.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 3 June 1979.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 10 June 1979.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Saturday, 22 September 1979.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Thursday, 12 April 1979.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 27 February 1979.
 
As of 5/23/2006 10:58:21 PM EDT
You are 26 years old.
You are 319 months old.
You are 1,389 weeks old.
You are 9,722 days old.
You are 233,350 hours old.
You are 14,001,058 minutes old.
You are 840,063,501 seconds old.

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 3.80508806262231 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

There are 140 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 27 candles.

Those 27 candles produce 27 BTUs,
or 6,804 calories of heat (that's only 6.8040 food Calories!) .
You can boil 3.09 US ounces of water with that many candles.  

In 1979 there were approximately 3.1 million births in the US.
In 1979 the US population was approximately 203,302,031 people, 57.4 persons per square mile.
In 1979 in the US there were approximately 2,152,662 marriages (10.1%) and 1,036,000 divorces (4.9%)
In 1979 in the US there were approximately 1,921,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.


Your birthstone is Tourmaline
The Mystical properties of Tourmaline

Pink Tourmaline promotes female balance and protection. Green Toumaline promotes male balance.

Opal, Jasper

Rowan, the Sensitivity

Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Today Tom the Temp is at his placement in Transient Insurance Company. Ever since The Administrator of Technical Services and Networks complained a little bit too much, he's had to put up with Tom, because he really wasn't as busy as he told The Boss, who believed him and arranged for a temp to give some help. The Boss would believe it really rained cats and dogs if you threw one from the roof at him. So both The Admin and Tom the Temp have to make it look like they're fighting network instability every minute of the day, but luckily they're both talented liars. The phone has been ringing for who knows how long because they both have been asleep in their chairs. "Meditative yoga," they told The Boss, once.

"*zzzz-SNUCK* Huh?" The Admin awakens first, "Tom."
Tom wakes up, hears the phone and says "no, you answer it," his eyes still closed.
"You're closer."

Tom calculates the odds of hitting The Admin by throwing the phone with his eyes closed, but realises immediate retribution is entirely possible. Instead, he picks up the phone. "Hello, technician here."

A moment passes.

"No sir, I'm Tom. The Temp. The Systems and Network Administrator is right here, we just came in from a tough repair job, I'll put him on. Hold please. You're welcome." Tom surprises himself, he's being so polite.

"Yo, Admin!" Tom says.
"What?"
"Phone."
"Is it for me?"

Another moment passes, Tom holds the phone back to his ear and says "I'm sorry, he's too stupid to talk right now. Try again lat-" The Admin snatches the phone away from Tom, which he doesn't much like. Tom listens to The Admin talk:

"Hello, Systems and Networks Administrator. Who is this and what can I do for you?... Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh."

Tom grabs a mousetrap from his toolbox and sets the spring. He sneaks up behind The Admin and holds it up behind the ear without a phone pressed up against it. *SNAP* The Admin spazzes out, but doesn't scream in pain. Tom laughs quietly and scampers back to his seat. The Admin gives Tom the finger and continues the phone conversation as if nothing had happened.

"Yes, sir. Both the temp and I can do that.
Yes, I'm sure he can do it.
Yes, we can deliver it quicker if we work together.
...
No, we don't need any help, just requirements and source material. Preferably digital. And some new equipment.
No, we can't use our existing equipment, it's too dangerous to risk a crash. Yup, I know exactly what we need.
Okay, I'll send him to their department to pick up the project requirements right away.
You're welcome sir."

The Admin hangs up and before he can start yelling at Tom for the mousetrap thing, Tom asks "okay, what are we doing?"
"Customer complaints database," The Admin answers, reaching for a painkiller.
"I noticed you scammed a new machine, we could have just run a virtual machine if you're that scared of crashes."
"We still can, we'll just use one of the clunker servers in the back room."
"What am I picking up and where?"
"Accounts receivable list on the finance level, the Operations Director wants to set up that database. We'll just open a database, write a script to automatically transfer the information and sit on our asses for a couple days."
"I heard they tried that before."
"No, I sit on my ass all day, everyday."
"Not that, the database."
"Yup, it failed miserably because the managers couldn't agree on which criteria to include and it that was redundant anyway, the service reps already handle complaints and they their own system. But we have a new operations director so he doesn't know how badly it turned out and probably thinks he's got a good, new idea. I got some sweet equipment last time."
"ah, I see. So I go over there and start a fight between the managers to kill the idea quicker while you stay here and fill out purchase requests full of fancy toys?" "Yup, then sit back and it's business as usual."
"You still don't look happy enough about the new equipment."
"It's that new guy, he could push it and decide to include every criteria suggested by the managers. We might actually have to do it."
"We could delete some criteria that might be actually useful and add a miscellaneous line then let that drive everyone insane. It'll be branded counter-productive and then killed."
"You're good."
"The best."
"Sorry kid, as long as I'm in town, you can never hope to be more than number two."
"How do you figure?"
"You're still just a Temp."
"Well then can you order me something?"
"Nah."
"Damn you." Tom says. He makes a mental note to find a spring-loaded fox trap. It should be just big enough for a foot or hand.

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It was damn funny! My favourite character is this little guy, named Twitchy. He's a squirrel and here he is spazzing out after having a cup of coffee. (Umm... Kudos to the movie studio for not suing me.)

Tampax discovers ancient technology.