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asTWISTED byDave: March 2006
::: Wednesday, March 29, 2006 :::
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
I woke up this morning to the sound of my Bose alarm clock . I slid out of our designer bed, enjoying the feel of the 720 thread count linen set across my skin.
I somehow managed to get to the kitchen, where I dropped some Jamaican Blue coffee beans through the burr grinder, and put them into the espresso maker.
I ambled to the newly refurbished shower, and washed myself, using a Restoration Hardware washcloth and a variety of "organic" cleaning products. I toweled off with the matching towels, 802 grams per square meter of drying power, and walked to the sink.
I put a new Mach 3 blade into my nickel and steel shaving set, lathered up with some Eshave citrus shave cream, and I almost felt alive.
Back in the bedroom, I put in my Acuvue disposable lenses, slid on my Hanro underwear, and then went back to the kitchen for my coffee and some fresh fruit from Whole Foods.
Breakfast over, I grabbed the closest suit, a very nice one by Joseph Abboud, a blue Ike Behar shirt, and a simple Ermenegildo Zegna tie. I put on my Hanro underwear, put on the clothing, with some Ferragamo shoes, and a similarly colored belt. I topped it off with a classic Patek Philippe watch.
Ready to take on the world, I gathered up the rest of my neccessities, my Coach wallet was in my back pocket, my Tiffany keychain in the front left, and my Motorola mobile in the front right. I put $100 in cash on the table by the door, for the cleaning lady, grabbed the bag with my month-old laptop in it, and went down to the garage and got into my daily driver, an Infiniti.
I suffered through the morning at work, until lunch came, and I found an excuse to go to a relaxed meal at a high-end, local steakhouse. The meal was accompanied by a lovely bottle of cab, the name of which I'll never remember.
Back to the grind for another six hours, and then off to meet my lady at a very stylish new ethno-fusion restaurant. She looked radiant in a Dolce & Gabbana dress, accented with a few modest pieces of jewelry, one of which included a diamond. Sure, we have a Wolf range, but why cook when somebody can do it for you?
After a long and luxurious dinner, we came home, and opened a package from Amazon, containing fresh DVDs for the collection. We put one into our pioneer elite DVD player, which fed its signal through high-end Monster Cable into a B&K receiver, and then on into a Pioneer HD plasma display. The sound from the reference speakers enveloped us, and we ignored it all, ending up making love on our plush couch instead.
Afterwards, we sat and talked, browsing the web on our respective laptops, sipping wine and eating extremely dark belgian chocolate, before eventually heading to bed... ready to repeat these tasks tomorrow.
Approximate costs:
Bose alarm clock: $350
bedroom set: $25,000
linens: $3,000/set
coffee: $50
burr grinder: $150
espresso maker: $800
shower: $30,000
washcloth: $10
organic cleansing products: $20
towels: $50
Mach 3 blade: $8 for 5 blades
shaving set: $150
shave cream $20
disposable contacts: $150
Hanro underwear: $50
Joseph Abboud suit: $1000
Ike Behar shirt: $150
Zegna tie: $120
Ferragamo shoes: $500
belt: $80
Patek Philippe watch: (unknown... $5k?)
Coach wallet: $150
Tiffany keychain: $100
Motorola mobile (unlocked for global use): $300
laptop: $2500
laptop bag: $250
Infiniti: $40,000
lunch for three: $180 with tip
Dinner for two: $200 with tip
Dolce and Gabbana dress: $1,000
Jewelry: $15,000
Wolf range: $5,000
DVDs: $20 each
DVD Player: $400
Monster Cable: $100 per cable
B&K Receiver: $1200
Pioneer HD Display: $4,000
Speakers: $4,000
wine: $50
chocolate: $10
Thinking diamonds from the De Beers company are somehow special: priceless.
Thanks to I Love Tacos from Ask Metafilter
::: Tuesday, March 28, 2006 :::
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas: Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.? Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !
::: Friday, March 17, 2006 :::
St. Patrick's Day is here, you see.
We'll pick some shamrocks, one, two, three.
We'll count the leaves and look them over,
And maybe find a four-leafed clover.
I'll sew green buttons on my vest,
Green for St. Patrick is the best.
I'll wear a green hat, very high,
And dance a jig--at least I'll try!
Irish Joke
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
::: Thursday, March 16, 2006 :::
Mar 15/06: deviantART/Megadeth Design Contest Winners Announced [Link] The top three choices.
After two decades of rocking, the heavy metal band Megadeth’s mascot Vic Rattlehead needs a facelift and the band commissioned deviantART to redesign him. The deviantART community came up with an amazing 2500+ entries. Dave Mustaine judged the contest himself and had narrowed it down to 11 before deciding the top three. [Link]
Original contest announcement: [Link]
::: Wednesday, March 15, 2006 :::
[Link] <-Click there, NO THERE!
The purpose of this site is to unravel the mystery of the single shoes that one finds occasionally lying around at seemingly random spots.
If you ever find a shoe or a pair of shoes left on the street, road or anywhere outdoors and you happen to carry a (digital) camera with you, please take a picture and send it to our e-mail address. also, include as much information as possible concerning the exact location, the situation (heavy traffic, shopping area, countryside, parking lot) and the state of the shoes: old, new, soaked (by rain), dirty; any details you can provide which will make it more easy to determine how long and why the shoes have been left there.
Linkfest:- GALLERY: LEGOd Video Games [Link] A growing library of combining LEGO and video games!
- HEADLINER - HEADSHAVE [Link] "Let The Skin Proceed When The Hair Recedes" the website says. This is a site about baldness.
- FLASH GAME: Cannonball Follies 2 [Link] Yosemite Sam has a cannon, he needs to get the targets. Help him out by aiming.
- Firefox 2.0, exclusive screenshots [Link] Yeehaaawwww!!!!
- FUD [Link] It's a way of life for some people and organisations.
- Twelve Ways To Mark Up A Book [Link] Books are a fantastic way to gain knowledge. With books, one can learn new techniques, gain new skills, and learn from role models who have been to where one wants to be and can show the way. There are many different ways to read books and just as many ways to remember their salient points. One of the most effective ways to get the most out of a book is to mark it up.
- Conversational Terrorism [Link] The intent of detailing and naming these insidious tactics is so that the reader may AVOID USING THEM, to quickly recognize if someone else is using them, and for fun. There is much humor in the way people (consciously or unconsciously) conversationally cheat. It is hoped that exposing these tactics will help muzzle the growing abuse in our conversational landscape. Give copies to both perpetrators and victims (only NOT for profit use). The examples are overblown in an attempt to be both clear and satirical.
- Free soap recipes! [Link] I don't know why I link to stuff like this, I really don't. Yet, I do anyway!
- VIDEO: Beavis and Butthead: Nose Bleed [Link] Classic.
- This Is Broken [Link] This Is a forum where consumers can air their gripes about everything from hidden hotel costs to baffling error messages to bad road signs. Through the site, the website hopes to make businesses and other organizations more aware of their customers when they design products or provide services.
- Literally, A Web Log [Link] An English language grammar blog tracking abuse of the word "literally."
- FLASH: Feuer Frei/LMAOplane [Link] Rammstein's song set to LMAOplane. It literally works!
- Question Swap [Link] Ask a question then answer a question.
- curlypasta.co.uk [Link] Probably the Uk’s foremost expert on Macaroni Cheese - no-one knows why.
- How they named companies [Link] EXAMPLE: Mozilla Foundation- from the name of the web-browser that preceded Netscape Navigator. When Marc Andreesen , founder of Netscape, created a browser to replace the Mosaic browser, it was internally named Mozilla (Mosaic-Killer, Godzilla) by Jamie Zawinski.
- FLASH: The Face Memory Game [Link] How well can you remember faces?
- GALLERY: Balloon Molecules [Link] Balloons twisted and joined into molecule shapes.
- Bullshit Bingo! [Link] Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Bullshit Bingo is a way to change all of that!
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Rammstein - Mein Herz Brennt
What was the last thing my TV did? I watched A History Of Violence. It's pretty good and I like it, although it severely lacked plot points. I did get to see Maria "Coyote Ugly" Bello's naughty bits in it.
How am I feeling? Why? I've STILL got my cold. I should just stay home again today. My throat was dry and sore this morning. I'm still taking those anti-histamine pills as they clear my head. Yeah, I should stay home. Even Buckley's Mixture isn't going so well against it.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Coldish and sunny. It's going to look great outside, but it's going to be hell walking around. That sun is going to melt the icy sidewalks just enough to break a few hip bones today. Maybe.
Random Comments: Imagine Scooby Doo saying "click hear" heheheheheh. Yuck.
::: Tuesday, March 14, 2006 :::
(Thanks to Glen@work & Maryann@work for sending me these - Dave.)
Big Trouble Now
Two brothers were extremely mischievous and their parents were at their wits' end. So they asked their pastor to talk with the boys.
The pastor sat the younger one down first. He wanted him to think about God, so he started the convresation by asking, "Where is God?" The boy didn't respond, so he repeated the question in a stern tone. Again he gave no answer. Frustrated, the pastor shook his finger in the boy's face and shouted, "Where is God?!"
The boy bolted from the room, ran home, and hid in his closet. His brother followed him and asked, "What happened?" The younger boy replied, "We're in big trouble now. God is missing, and they think we did it!"
The Scared Soldier
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??" The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."
You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.
Which is why a new holiday has been created.
March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.
No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!
(I steal these, not experience them. But, I may have some empathy for them)
New party game for you all to join in. Cropdusting is a competitive sport in which one side picks a random person at the party for the other side to go up to and start a conversation. The object is to fart and escape before it stinks. you keep the same target all night. Like cops and robbers. They get framed for all your work. Very fun when drunk.
(Eeewww! - Dave.)
Linkfest- One Billion Mazes [Link] This site contains one billion mazes in high-quality printable PDF format. You may view, print and solve these mazes... and yes, there are exactly one billion mazes!
- Harnessing your interstitial time [Link] Think about recent times you were interrupted, bumped, or otherwise found yourself with more or less time on your hands than you had planned:
- you’re stuck on hold with technical support
- you’re waiting for a disk utility to finish defragging your hard drive
- you’re in a line at the DMV that will take at least an hour
- your flight’s been delayed for an indeterminate amount of time
- your boss’s kid has entitilitis, so the morning meeting (that you’d spent all night preparing for) has been bumped back to 2:00 pm
The point is to get in the habit of challenging yourself to see what you can accomplish over very small, unscheduled periods of time. Like bird watching or shell collecting, these habits will improve with your ability to recognize this pattern quickly.
- FLASH GAME: Giraffe Milking [Link] Milk the giraffe and feed baby, there's a little UFO trying to steal milk too. So you gotta aim well!
- FLASH GAME: Cosmic Bounce [Link] It uh.. just click the until the barcode number reaches zero.
- The Truth About Brian Peppers [Link] Someone made something about that poor guy. WARNING: Annoying sappy background music. DO NOT load it with a bunch of other tabs, it will drive you crazy like it did me.
- The Police Letters Alphabet [Link] "Delta Victor Tango, this is Dispatch. We got a 953, handle it." "Dispatch, this is Delta Victor Tango, it's just someone having a cigarette."
- D*I*Y Planner 3.0 (Classic/A5 Edition) [Link] This a set of free do-it-yourself templates, covers, documentation and other gear for creating your own highly customised paper planner system. A year in the making, this new version includes nearly 200 pages of forms covering life management, calendars, project planning, note-taking, health, finance, and even creative uses like writing, storyboards, and web design. With some basic supplies, the handbook, and a little elbow grease, you can create an ideal low-cost productivity system that meets almost every need.
- Open Thread: The "43 Folders" of health and fitness sites? [Link] The best parts of this page are in the comments. You should check it out.
- FLASH: My Cat's Got Knees [Link] Cute.
- meme-stream [Link] The links on this page are links that has reached a lot of points by the voters.
- memepool [Link] One of the most popular websites at one point. It's still pretty good. Their motto "first on the scene - because we're the victim" still rings true.
- One Red Paperclip [Link] "My name is Kyle MacDonald. I started with one red paperclip on July 12th, 2005 and I am making a series of up-trades for bigger or better things until I get a house."
- Mona Lisa With Dogs [Link] Weird... scroll down and click a few.
- B3TA Image Challenge: Switching Movie Directors [Link] Imagine a world where Quentin Tarantino directs Bambi, where Mel Brookes applies his magic touch to Apocalypse Now; a land in which movie directors are in charge of films entirely unsuited to their style. Then show us the results.
- Grog's Boating Knots Index [Link] These animated knots are primarily for boaters, but many are useful for anyone who uses rope and values safety. The knots can be selected from the index on the left, or by their pictures, or from a page which describes their various uses.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Something by Lisa Loeb, I'm not really sure why. I don't know how it got on my computer.
What was the last thing my TV did? I spent the weekend and Monday sick with a head cold with an earache. I finally got myself an antihistamine so now my sinuses have drained and now my ear doesn't hurt (yay!) I'm going to work today.
How am I feeling? Why? I still have a stuffed nose and occasional cough. Other than that, I'm trying to become a morning person. 6:00am every morning for four nights straight so far. Just two and a half more weeks to go.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." It's kinda cold and very cloudy. There's a layer of snow atop a sheet of ice covering Sioux Lookout. It should be fun on the walk to work. Wish my ankles luck in not spraining themselves.
Random Comments: If you have wood furniture that have a few dings and dents, get a papertowl and get it wet. Place the wet paper towel over the dents and then get an iron and place it on the paper towel. The steam will help the wood rise and should make a noticible diffence!
::: Monday, March 13, 2006 :::
Well, I got an email critiquing my writing. It said something along the lines of (I'll try to include the spelling and grammatical errors) "you're writing is very close to being textual juj itzu, but it's seems more like spassing out."
To anonymous: corrections to your comment:
1: you're - should be Your
2: juj itzu should be Ju Jutsu, not as the americans spell it... or in your case. Your spelling.
3: spassing out - should be spazzing out
Well, for starters, thanks for the compliment, and I'm taking that as a compliment. I like the contept of textual jiu jitsu (yeah, I spell it the american way.) and I like your courage in using the words "you're" and "spassing" as they are. I really should link to "commonly confused words" more often and maybe maybe help you out a bit.
Thanks, uh.. whoever you are. (Also. NICE email address. my beer.com email is "visiting")
Linkfest: I've got an earache so I'm staying home today. For today, expect a few more posts than usual.- GEEK: 23 Things to Do With a Thumb Drive [Link] Once known as simple little gizmos that were basically just modern replacements for floppy disks, USB flash drives have suddenly grown up. You can now replicate your desktop environment, encrypt files on the fly, and even rescue your PC with one of these formerly modest devices. Here are some of the coolest things you can do today with the innocuous-looking thumb drive on your desk, as well as details about some particularly useful new drives.
Included:
* Your Desktop in Your Pocket
* Box: Pocket Gaming Without a PSP
* Safe From Prying Eyes
* Box: Itty-Bitty Linux
* Create a Cleaning Kit for Spyware-Infected PCs
* Box: Trek With Books, Not a Backache
* When Speed Is King, Flash Flies
* Box: Free, Easy File Syncing
* Revive Your Crashed PC
* Box: Tunes on Wheels
- Blogophile.net [Link] Current news on lots of topics.
- Trace an Email [Link] The purpose of this guide is to show the process involved in tracing an email.
- Whonu? [Link] The mission at whonu.com is to to provide you the absolute best content discovery experience (some might call it search, but much better) on the planet. We do this, not by creating another search engine (yawn...), but by giving you the most intuitive tools for helping you maximize the power of existing search engines. To do its thing, whonu not only brings together the best search technologies on the planet into a single interface, but also, behind the scenes, uses special search tricks and syntax (technical gobblygook) to help you easily discover practically everything about a subject that there is online.
- The Most Downloaded Konfabulator Widgets [Link] What it says. The Konfabulator is a nice toy that takes in widgets, little programs that anyone can make, submit and use.
- Taking RSS Beyond Headlines : Part Two [Link] Do more with RSS feeds than just read headlines.
- FeedTree [Link] Collaborative micronews delivery. FeedTree brings news feed updates to users, instead of the other way around. FeedTree users work together to share the latest Web feed updates.
- IMAGE: The World's Most Populous Countries [Link] Bam! Each square is one million people and Canada is only a line!
- Want to know what my tongue tastes like? [Link] Try it on your screen and tell me.
- Find Dave Chapelle [Link] Just like "Where's Waldo?"
- 23 real simple steps to making your Internet life much better [Link] OK, come along folks. It’s time to take your relationship with the Internet to the next level, and I’m here to tell you how to do it in 23 short, easy steps with as little jargon as possible.
- Solve problems by writing a note to yourself. [Link] Use this handy tip to force yourself to think about the problem differently.
::: Friday, March 10, 2006 :::
"ARRRRRRR"
Linkfest- ReminderFeed [Link] ReminderFeed is a FREE reminder service that delivers reminder messages right to your feed reader. This is what it does, but the original "why" on the about page is still pretty interesting.
- How to Build a High-Traffic Web Site (or Blog) [Link] Hah, I struck out on point 1 and was then kicked out of the game for fighting the umpire.
- Being Able to Write: Lessons from Other Writers, New and Well-Seasoned [Link] AKA: Writing Tips, lots of them. 18, to be exact.
- How to Get Great Sleep [Link] At the time of making this post, it's about 10:20pm on a Monday. (Yes, I save this stuff and post bits and pieces until I have to do it again. That's why I get results and have some fun with minimal effort) After reading this I realise how tired I am and want to go to bed. I typed that entire last sentence through half-closed, yawning eyes. I'm going to go fight my "sleep-phase disorder." It seems to have replaced my insomnia, now that I'm aware of it.
- LIFEHACKER: Sustaining motivation [Link] Are you finding one of your "good" habits is getting stale? Give this a read.
- Veetro [Link] Veetro is an online team and small business management platform. It includes tools such as electronic timesheets, projects, billing, sales pipeline, helpdesk and document management. Its a company in a box, so to speak.
- LIFEHACKER: Getting To Done: Enjoy your own grass [Link] No... don't grow week, this refers to the phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side."
- Project Gutenberg - Free eBooks [Link] There are 17,000 free books in the Project Gutenberg Online Book Catalog. It seems to include almost every classic there is.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Metallica, Hero Of The Day, S&M
What was the last thing my TV did? I rented and watched Jarhead last night. It was an okay movie for having no real antagonist in the plot.
How am I feeling? Why? My ear hurts from my head being too stuffed up :( I think I may just go into work for a little while if it doesn't clear a bit.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Cloudy, warm, wet. It's going to be slippery out there. I'm wearing my hiking shoes.
Random Comments: Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of themselves are such excellent craftsmen.
::: Thursday, March 09, 2006 :::
I added a meme and a question. I also finished writing the second story for Tom the Temp. Last time he was job hunting. He goes to an interview in this one. - Spook.
Read the first story, #1: Introducing Tom the Temp [Link]
Tom the Temp #2: Interview @ Sampson Construction:
Tom's first interview is at Sampson Construction. Tom already knows that the owner, Mr. Sampson, is planning on paying chump-change for what could be a very valuable position. But, Tom found out how hard the position has been to to fill because of the varied skills a person needs so he knows that he is the right, and possibly the only person for the job. Now his problem is being paid accordingly.
After spending the morning checking out the newspaper for jobs, typing up his resume and CV then re-doing his portfolio, Tom stuffs it all into his messenger bag, grabs his skateboard and heads out. The sun is out with few clouds in the sky. There's a mild breeze and the pavement doesn't seem to be catching heat this afternoon. "Today is pretty nice," thinks Tom, "besides the lack of food in my place and the cut-off cable tv and internet connection, I think it's going to be a very good day. Heck, even the route I need to take makes for a nice ride, the hills aren't too steep in this area."
Tom begins to enjoy his ride and starts to daydream about a fridge packed with food and leisurely slaloms down a hill. However his daydream is cut short as he's just skated into a small rock, his skateboard has come to a dead stop and his body is still moving forward at a fairly quick rate. He reacts fast and begins running to avoid road rash and this seems to be working out well. Too bad he was slaloming and is heading directly for a wall...
*SMACK*
Tom begins to peel himself off of the wall, having made solid contact, head first, then hands, face, arms, torso and finally takes a step back. Tom shakes off the impact and hears "Wooooah dude, that had to suuuuuck."
Tom turns his head and sees a scrawny, dreadlocked, young caucasian male. His clothes screams a subtle pretentiousness that says "Yeah, I toke. Well, once, when I was 12 with my brother. Okay, I didn't toke, but I was in the room. Down the hall. Dude." "Yeah, it did hurt," Tom says.
"At least you ain't all bloody and stuff," says Mr. FakeRastaMan.
"Yeah, and I'm on my way to an interview," Tom chuckles, adding to the irony.
"Oh, dude, me too."
"Well, I guess we'd better get going."
"I guess."
Tom starts to dust himself off then he hears the familiar sound of four polyethylene wheels starting to roll. "HEY, STOP THAT BOARD!" Tom yells. Mr. FakeRastaMan VERY heroically runs two steps and jumps onto the board then VERY unheroically looses his balance, flips around 270 degrees onto his face, (causing a bleeding nose and cut lip) because he couldn't catch himself, (add a couple of sprained wrists and scraped, bloody palms) because of his poor strength and balance (add two bloody knees and twisted ankles. This kid is TRASHED!) The board, meanwhile, is sent flying safely into a pile of trashbags across the street and before Tom can start laughing Mr. FakeRastaMan shrieks "Ahh! My Man-boobs! I fell on my anarchy pendant and it stabbed my (he quickly checks himself) NIPPLE!!! AAAAAAH!!!" Tom bursts into laughter and backs away from the Rasta-Banshee, who is now crying in a panic and running full-speed in a six-foot-wide circle. Tom picks up his skateboard and moves on, still laughing.
Tom walks the remaining few blocks to The Sampson Construction Office. He notices the sign above the entrance has a silouette of a tall building being built among two smaller buildings. "Ha," Tom says aloud to himself, "it looks like they're erecting a penis." A young passerby hears him and laughs too. Tom walks inside, taking a deep breath to prepare for mental war as he passes through the door.
"Hello and welcome to Sampson Construction," chirps a lovely young lady, the receptionist, before sneezing and going into a coughing fit. She nearly hacks out a lung and after she survives the fit, she apologizes that she's got a cold. "It's quite alright, "says Tom, "I was a little worried the business was going under because your boss answered the phone this morning."
"Ah, I was too sick to come in this morning. You must be Tom," says the receptionist. She blows her nose. *HONK*
"Yes, he's expecting me this afternoon."
"Just wait *ACHOO* ... Just wait a minute and I'll announce you in." *HOOOONK*
"Um... Thank you."
The receptionist disappears down a hallway and returns a couple moments later, "Okay Tom, Mr. Sampson is just about ready for you. You can go in the last door down the hall and meet him. I'll get Fred, the *ACHOO* the foreman." Tom thanks her and walks down the hall. *HONK* He notices the lighting is mostly natural, but still nice and bright. He reads the signs on the doors as he walks: Supplies, Ladie's Washroom, Men's Washroom, File Room, Assistant Supervisor & Legal Clerk, Planning & Design, Supervisor & Union Liason and finally "Ted Sampson, Civil Engineer & General Contracting Proprietor." The door is ajar so Tom walks through and sees Ted, who is on the computer frantically typing away. "Hello Tom," he says, not even looking at him, "have a seat, I'm just finishing the interview questions. I've been adjusting them because the company needs someone just right. Fred, the foreman will be along soon to help me interview you."
"Why don't the supervisors do that?" asks Tom. "There are no supervisors, the foreman and I pretty much do everything ourselves these days. My company used to be much bigger when the city was redoing the financial district and upgrading two districts. After that was done, I was burnt out and went on holiday. The two idiots I left in charge nearly ran this business six feet under. I'm going to fill those positions as we win more contracts again," says Ted The Contractor. "Oh," Tom says as a "cha-CHING" sound plays in his head. He realises there is LOTS of opportunity for pay raises and bonuses, but only one or two steps up. He needs to play his cards right. "So what would my part be in all this?" he asks. The Contractor says "well, I used to have a guy work for me, he was an old assistant supervisor. He didn't have much of an education but that kid could work. He'd weld, do electrical wiring, hammer nails, operate all the machines we had and do admin stuff. He had work ethic spewing out his ears and a wicked sense of humour. He made our company logo and did a pretty good job too. I like how he made it seem like our work was bigger than everyone elses. Overall, he wasn't afraid of sweat or paper. He was with me the first time I grew this business. I'm hoping to find someone like that once again."
"Woah," thinks Tom, "that kid got away with putting a cock on the company logo. And, I have some big shoes to fill." Just then Fred The Foreman swings the door open (BAM!!) and stomps in. "Ah, Fred!" says The Contractor, "I was just telling him about Steve." "That fucking suck-up pussy," The Foreman replies. Tom makes his move to take control of the situation.
"I brought my resume, CV and a portfolio," Tom says.
"We have these questions," says The Foreman, scanning over his sheet The Contractor just gave him.
"Yeah, I made two lists of questions designed to make sure we get the best person possible," The Contractor adds.
"Well, I was hoping to make a presentation about my talents and abilities. Maybe my presentation could answer many of your questions along the way," Tom says, still not wanting to lose control.
"Hmm," goes The Contractor, "I like this idea. And I did say that I wanted someone straight-forward. We'll just write notes under the questions you answer in the presentation"
"Yeah," says The Foreman, "We need someone straight-forward or the employees will rape their morale and leave it for dead in a message box at the reception desk." He chuckles.
"Then I'll start," Tom says, now confident. The Contractor and Foreman nod.
Tom goes over his resume, CV and shows them his portfolio. They're all a mix-mash of unskilled labour, answering phones, paper-shuffling and skilled hobbies. Tom tells them of his part-time jobs he's had as a youth, digging ditches for the highway department to working at a call center to fixing computers at an electronics retailer. He also tells them anecdotes of when he helped his uncle build a house, laying brick, cutting wood, hammering nails, putting in plumbing and electrical wires, carefully doing his story-telling to include details of what he learned from the experiences. He also tells them of his short college career, where he lasted little more than a year and a half, but learned about the inner workings of businesses, laws and a bit about running a company. He also tells of his hobbies that include repairing computers, computer illustration, competitive skateboarding and reading how-to books because he still likes learning. The receptionist interrupts them just as he finishes. "Sirs, there is another applicant waiting," she says, avoiding looking at Tom. The Contractor tells her to tell the next person to wait. She happily complies and disappears, sounds of a sneeze and a honk moments later tells the three of them she's back at her desk, delivering the message to the other applicant and a snot-filled tissue to her trash can..
"Well," The Contractor says, "I managed to answer all but one of my questions on my list."
"Same here," says The Foreman, "I'll go first. Tom, what do you know about Sampson Construction?"
Tom answers in adminispheric jargon, he hopes the big words will impress them: "Sampson is on the rebound and needs a stable core so growth is smooth. It needs a multi-talented individual such as myself to provide consistency at all levels. And, the last person to provide such stability put a cock in the logo." The Foreman bursts out laughing. The Contractor is mortified, his face horribly worried, only now realising there really IS a cock in his company's logo.
"Okay," The Contractor says after recomposing himself, "now for my last question. What made you apply for this job?"
"I dream of food in my fridge," Tom answers, knowing if his soon-to-be boss didn't throw him out for insulting his logo, he'll surely hire him. The Foreman can only laugh out loud again.
"When can you start?" asks The Contractor.
"I got a ditch to dig," The Foreman says while getting up to leave the office, "but we don't need any help today or for the rest of the week. Monday would be good." He slams the door behind him. (PLUNK!!)
Tom thinks "plunk?" before returning to the task at hand.
"I still have two issues," Tom says, "my duties and wages."
"Well, you're part-time, You'll do what I ask and I'll pay you part-time wages," says The Contractor.
"Let's say I answer the phone in the morning and dig ditches in the afternoon annnd-," says Tom before The Contractor interrupts "I see where this is going. You want to be paid at a rate that I pay the others for duties performed, right?"
"Right."
"That's reasonable, you can review the wage rates with the receptionist in the File Room. You can fill out the various timesheets accordingly."
"Law states I get a minimum of three hours for every call-in."
"Sounds great to me, I want to make good use of your time as well. but we also do some evening and weekend stuff. Mostly clean up, hauling and finishing touches."
"That sounds good to me too, of course, I'll need some training on your machines and guidance before I'm left alone to finish stuff."
"Lovely, the manuals to the machines are in the File Room too. Hey, you wanna have some fun?"
"Sure."
"Let's go tell the next guy he's not needed."
"I'm in."
Tom gathers his stuff and they walk down the hall. They turn and there's a familiar pale, bloody mess sitting on a plastic garbage bag-covered chair. "Holy shit," thinks Tom. Mr. FakeRastaMan stands up and says "I'm here for the interview." The receptionist just shrugs her shoulders at The Contractor and Tom bursts out laughing. The Contractor is silent, milidly stunned by this blood-covered deviant, before finally saying "sorry, job's filled. Now fuck off before you stain my furniture." *HONK* adds the receptionist, blowing her nose again. Mr. FakeRastaMan leaves slowly, his head hanging low in dejection.
"I'll have to tell you that story behind that sometime," Tom says triumphantly to The Contractor, his new boss.
::: Wednesday, March 08, 2006 :::
No, I didn't just ask you for your age/sex/location.
This "ASL" stands for American Sign Language. It's also used here in Canada. ASL is a visual language comprised of specific gestures (signs), hand shapes and facial expressions. ASL has its own unique grammatical rules and sentence structure. It is the official language of the Deaf community in Canada and the United States. I have, for you, a website that's run by Michigan State University. It's an ASL browser where you can look up video of thousands of ASL signs and learn interesting things about them.
ASL Browser [Link] You'll need a Quicktime plugin.
Sticky Notes for the Web [Link] MyStickies allows you to place little yellow squares of digital paper anywhere and everywhere you feel like in the whole wide web. MyStickies is like bookmarks on steroids. While bookmarks store the title of a webpage and it's link, they do little to help you find what was important about the page and why exactly you chose to mark it. MyStickies solves this problem by giving you the power to mark up the page the way you like, and a tool to find notes easily and efficiently.
Linkfest- Geek to Live: Lifehacker Pack [Link] This is one of those posts where the comments adds much to the original article. It's worth clicking.
- Memory Techniques [Link] Are you so open-minded you can't remember what colour shirt you're wearing without looking down first? You need to click here. Aw crap, you forgot already, didn't you. LOOK BEHIND YOU!
- Classic Movies and B-Movies For FREE! [Link] Public domain torrents.
- How to Clean a Dog's Ears [Link] Spot not coming when you call? Maybe (s)he just needs his/her ears cleaned.
- Bored of the Rings [Link] Oh... snap.
- LIFEHACKER: Getting To Done: Long Live Paper! [Link] Because sometimes, hard copy is better than soft.
- 3-D Calendar [Link] I printed one of these out at work while I was on lunch. Cut it out and glued it together too... Everyone kept telling me how cool it was (happy) but they also grabbed it harshly and now its all deformed. (sad) I'll probably have to throw it out. (very sad) I need to find some card-stock to make it more sturdy. (happy)
- Abe Lincoln’s Productivity Secret [Link] "Sharpen your Axe" If this confuses you... read the article.
- How to Brew Beer [Link] Maybe I should have put this link somewhere else...
- REFERENCE: OneLook Reverse Dictionary [Link] Yeehaa... ever think of a definition, but can't think of the word?
- Where to get quotations for presentations? [Link] Hmm... I can't be bothered. Maybe if I were being paid. Someone has to send me some cash, first.
- Taking RSS Beyond Headlines : Part One [Link] Because RSS really is a useful tool that can be applied almost anywhere, not just for headlines and blog posts.
- LIFEHACKER: Get a New Couch for Free [Link] YEEHAA!!!
- How to recover from liquid inside your equipment [Link] Because three hundred dollar iPods aren't water-proof.
- You still want meetings. Here’s how to make them useful. [Link] Though meetings are harmful, you sometimes need to get together and work a problem out. Here are some tips to make sure nobody wastes their time.
- Honour Thy Energy [Link] This guy says that we should schedule around our peak energy times and work accordingly.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Soulfly - Thr Prophet
What was the last thing my TV did? Nothing, but I did watch Mr. Deeds on cable last night. Aaah, my old friend cable. It's been a while.
How am I feeling? Why? Tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Cloudy and warm. It's going to be slippery out there.
Random Comments: Even as I age, I still consider myself a "go-getter"... of course now, I have to make two trips.
::: Tuesday, March 07, 2006 :::
(While KNet's SFTP server is busted, I may as well!)
I need some constructive criticism: Read my short story: Tom the Temp [Link]
@ DOT COM
Lowbrow.com has gone commercial. Now you have to pay to see the moments. But now it's "The Lowbrow Project 2.0" after being Project 1 for almost ten years. (Wow!) "The Lowbrow Line," as it's called now, still collects your stories, thoughts and messages, but it does it on a voice message system. The forum is still up and running.
@ DOT ORG
Lowbrow.org has also gone to version 2.0! There's brand spanking new design that has us looking at new graphics and a couple new content windows for news and links. Not bad.
Of course, if you're a 'brower like me, you'd already know that. But if not, check it out anyway!!!
Linkfest- How to Take A Caffeine Nap [Link] "Sleep researchers at the Loughborough University in Britain did several tests on fatigued drivers to compare the effects of different methods for a driver can use to stay awake." The caffiene nap was the best method.
- Nature Wallpapers at MyDeskCity.com [Link] I don't understand that oriental language the website is in, but the pictures sure are nice.
- Sketch Swap [Link] I'm not sure if I linked to this already, but oh well, here it is, (again, maybe.)
- GEEKSTUFF: So Firefox 1.5.0.1 killed your extensions [Link] Here's how to reanimate them.
- Speed-Reading Techniques [Link] Have fun. Don't worry, there are retention techniques too, so you don't speed over the words so fast you don't remember them.
- LIFEHACKER: Keep headphone wires from getting tangled [Link] This will go well with the next link.
- Invasion of iPod people spurs new office etiquette [Link] What a bunch of newbies...
- Knock Knock [Link] A design company that makes and sells "witty items of cosmopolitan panache." (Whatever that means...) Anyway, check out their message pads and sticky notes. These things look like they can come in handy.
- Camera Hacks [Link] I especially like the bicycle mount.
- Hiding Email Addresses [Link] If you're like me and have your email address on your homepage, you're probably getting spam. Here's list of methods to hide your email.
- Pandora and Last.fm: Nature vs. Nurture in Music Recommenders [Link] An article on the differences of the services. It's good if you're considering subscribing.
- Diversify Your Investments by Starting a Side Business [Link] AKA "How to add some fun and excitement to your evenings and weekends and make some decent money too." I know someone that will run out and quit his job if he reads this article. Luckily he doesn't visit my homepage.
- Goal-Setting Expert Advice and Tips, for Knuckleheads Only! [Link] 10 Zingers.
- LIFEHACKER: Office Crafts: Flower pen arrangement [Link] Nice way for you women to make sure no one walks off with your pens AND spruce up your office space.
- LIFEHACK: Fix your LCD’s dead pixels [Link] I wonder if this works with PSP's?
- SeaMonkey [Link] Version 1.0 of SeaMonkey is out. SeaMonkey is a web-browser, advanced e-mail and newsgroup client, IRC chat client, and HTML editing made simple -- all your Internet needs in one application.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Audioslave - Be Yourself
What was the last thing my TV did? Played some Hot Shots Golf Fore, a nine hole minigame, Par 27, got a 26. I haven't played in a while.
How am I feeling? Why? Doing alright, just stiff from sleeping in a weird position all night, I woke up half-off the bed.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Warm and cloudy. It's going to be windy later on. And there's a possibility of rain. RAIN!
Random Comments: Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
::: Monday, March 06, 2006 :::
My blogger code is: B8 d t- k+ s u- f i- o+ x e+ l c [Link] It's old, but I still like it.
Linkfest- Puppy Mover Monorail [Link] Behold, the Puppy Mover Monorail! One of the most unique models ever. Cute, too.
- FLASH GAME: WienerWhistle [Link] The WIENERWHISTLE is a "full-blown" musical instrument that plays a special tune in four notes.
- PhishFighting.com [Link] From the website: "How many phishing emails did you receive today?: I receive 5-10 emails a day that are supposedly from real companies like Paypal® asking me to click their link and enter my login, password or other private information. These are fake sites created by criminals. I'm tired of the emails and offended by the fact that they are trying to steal from me. So I've decided to strike back and YOU CAN TOO."
- FLASH: a clicky flash story :) [Link] Click to turn the pages for a story about a "lovely fellow named plob."
- FLASH GAME: Thing-Thing Arena [Link] Make your own warrior flash sprite.
- 1001 Flash Games [Link] What? You can't figure it out by the title?
- FLASH GAME: Simpsons Trivia [Link] UK Edition, but that doesn't mean us Canadians can't play it. However, screw the americans.
- GALLERY: Smile & Face Barns [Link] It's funny how all those farmers had the same idea...
- LinCity-NG [Link] LinCity-NG is a City Simulation Game. It is a polished and improved version of the classic LinCity game. Obviously inspired by SimCity.
- Tank of The Month [Link] Aquariums, but Abrahm's.
- Add digg news on your site [Link] Since I didn't do it... you may as well. I may as well too... just for shits&giggles.
- Elmore Leonard’s Ten Rules of Writing [Link] "Easy on the Adverbs, Exclamation Points and Especially Hooptedoodle" Yes... I know I'm writing bad short stories, but I plan on re-editing all that after I receice some (constructive) criticism.
- The Clean Sweep Program [Link] This is a checklist of 100 items which, when completed, give one complete personal freedom. These 100 items are grouped in 4 areas of life with 25 in each group: Physical Environment, Well-being, Money and Relationships. These 4 areas are the cornerstone for a strong and healthy life and the program helps a person to clean up, restore and polish virtually every aspect of his/her life. The program takes between 6 - 24 months to complete.
- How to Mountain Bike in Snow [Link] With occasional warm days already here, I should get out my bike.
- StikiPad [Link] What is StikiPad? There's a lot of ways to describe what StikiPad is. Officially, it's a hosted wiki provider that lets you collaborate online - unofficially, it's a blank piece of paper where you decide its use.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Rammstein - Eiffersucht
What was the last thing my TV did? Played some Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas. I spent half a million dollars on remote explosives, found a few parking lots and sent cars flying. I also drove to the top of the mountain at the south eastern part of San Andreas, exploded a car off a cliff and jumped after it. Of course I survived, I grabbed a parachute before jumping. I wish I could record that off my PS2.
How am I feeling? Why? I got a runny nose :((((
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." GREAT - warm & sunny!
Random Comments: Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
I checked out my referrers one morning and I'd like to thank the person who entered my homepage into Gizoogle. [Link] I had such a good laugh.
::: Friday, March 03, 2006 :::
Are you?
So I said "Hey man, that's my beer."
Then he says, "No man, that's my beer."
Then the beers say, "No man, we're our own beers."
That's when we realized we had too many beers.
What's playing? The New Meanies - Loosen Up
What was the last thing my TV did? I came home from work early last night and watched over five movies. I started with Moscow Heat, then moved onto Ancient Warriors, I stopped watching The Company of Wolves twenty minutes in because IT SUCKED! Last were Circuitry Man, part 1 and part 2.
How am I feeling? Why? I've got a headcold.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Pretty darn decent. It's warm and bright out there.
Random Comments: Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
(I steal these, not experience them. But, I may have some empathy for them)
I think it freaks people out when I tell myself to shut up and slap myself in public. I like seeing how people react.
Its like a light beer version of Fight Club.
JOKE: Currency Exchange
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line ... just one guy in front of me...
The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated...
He asked the teller, "why it change? yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "fluctuations"
The Asian guy says, "fluc you white guys too"
::: Thursday, March 02, 2006 :::
I haven't been posting much this past week. That's because I've been hit by a muse and began having ideas for stories. It all began when I was surfing download.com for a program like KeyNote, [Link] but portable so I can use it on a flash drive. I didn't find anything, but I did find ActionOutline. [Link] They both act as a tabbed notebook, outliner and personal information manager, with tree structure layout. Along the way the descriptions said that it was good for making outlines for stuff like essays, articles and novels.
Novels...
I realised this was beyond my current talent so I read up on getting a novel published. I found out that starting with getting short stories published is the easiest way to get your name onto a book deal. A writer with several short stories and articles already written will be received by a publisher much more easily.
Legal statement:
These stories are all fiction of course, some names resemble or is spelled exactly like entities that are real, but I didn't know that until I Googled them just now. Any and all resemblances to persons or entities in the past or present, is completely coincidental and should not be taken as opinion or testimony. The real entities can speak for themselves, I'm not doing their job for them.
Without much further ado, here is my
first short story starring Tom the Temp:
Tom is a young man in his early 20's. He dropped out of college from lack of motivation and lives in a crappy apartment building renovated out of an old hotel. At least there's a pool for him to use once in a while, either to swim or skateboard in. He prefers to call his home "The Hotel" and desparately wishes room service were still available. It's been a couple of months since Tom's last seen the inside of a classroom. He misses the hotties but definitely doesn't miss Professor Broomstick-Up-Her-Butt. But that's the past and this is now. And now really sucks.
Tom needs a job, the student loan office finally found out he didn't actually die in a bus crash along with 19 other students ("I guess its because everyone else is attending classes," Tom previously thought to himself.) and demanded to be paid back.
"Well," Tom thinks to himself, "first things first. I need a coffee." Tom opens his cupboard and a gust of wind blows a tumbleweed out onto the counter then down to the floor. "What the?" Tom thinks. Tom sees the coffee can on its side and its completely empty. "Plan B," Tom says to no one, which is exactly who is there with him, "I need a shower and a shave." Tom gets on with it all and is soon dressed for a job he doesn't yet have.
Tom heads out for his morning cup'o'joe and makes a plan for his day: "Newspaper and a coffee, unemployment office, Internet, phone calls, lunch then pound the pavement."
With renewed vigor Tom orders a large coffee: "double, double." He picks up a newspaper, finds a seat, makes himself comfortable and flips to the help wanted and classified ads section.
"HELP WANTED" The ad starts off...
"No experience necessary." "Good," Tom thinks, "maybe I have a chance at jobs like these."
"Relevant experience an asset."
"Individual wanted PART-TIME at construction sites to do odd jobs including hauling, repairs, standing in, custodial, administrative and other duties as required. Apply in person at the Sampson Construction Office. Phone first at 555-2543"
"Um," Tom says aloud, "standing in?" before reading the next ad.
"NEED WORK?"
"Yeah," Tom says.
"Don't know what to do?"
"Yeah," Tom says again.
"Do you have skills useful to many environments?"
"Hell yeah," Tom says with some gumption, "I'm practically a jackass of all trades!"
"Then consider Temping!"
"Oooooh SNAP!" Tom says aloud and skips the rest of it.
Tom circles these two and scans over the other ads. They're mostly various office clerk, store cashier and poorly-paid gopher positions. Tom circles the ones with addresses in his area and also one clown job, because he feels he has a special talent for making balloon penises and scaring children. Tom decides to skip the unemployment office and internet search for a later day, wanting to see how interesting these two ads turn out to be.
Tom finishes his coffee, heads for a phone to call the construction site and temp agency then finally wonders "where did I get this pen?"
Seven beeps and two rings later, "Sampson Construction, start talking," says the voice on the other end.
"Hi, I'm calling about the 'odd job' ad in the paper."
"Excellent, just drop by anytime this afternoon, I should be in the office. My name is Ted Sampson and I'm a general contractor and civil engineer. If I'm not here ask for Fred, the union foreman." Tom almost chuckles at his potential bosses being "Fred & Ted."
"Okay, I have a question." Tom says.
"Well, ask it, don't announce it. I want a straight-forward person for the job."
"What does 'standing in' mean?"
"Shit."
"That doesn't sound very fun."
"It's not that, its that most people usually hang up after hearing about it."
"Well what does it mean?"
"It means I'll be asking you to help and do some of the work that all the other employees do, union and non-union. I've got a moderately-sized staff and sometimes we're short a couple guys."
"That doesn't sound too bad, at least I'll be paid accordingly, right?"
"Um."
"Tell you what, we'll haggle over it when I come in and we'll have a sit down. Me, you and the foreman." Tom says, already knowing he's the right person for this job and just needs to argue for more money. Ted The Contractor agrees with a mild sigh of relief and arranges a time in the afternoon.
*click*
Tom smiles, liking his prospects. He shuffles around his newspaper and thinks "Hmm... What a coincidence, there's not too many phone numbers around here that start with 555."
Another seven beeps and barely half a ring later.
"Hello, Steadfast Temporary Employee Agency, how may I direct your call?" Answers a woman who seems way too perky to actually like her job. "She must hate the sound of a ringing telephone," thinks Tom.
"Good morning. Human resources, please." Tom says.
"Just a moment, please," the woman says, putting Tom on hold.
Tom was just starting to enjoy the music playing when a hoarse-sounding woman answers.
"HELLO!" she roars.
"Hi," Tom says, mildly stunned. "Uh, I'm calling about the job ad for temps."
"Okay, I'll need you to submit your resume, cover letter and anything else that lets us know about any additional skills, like a CV or portfolio. Then we'll contact you for an interview if everything is suitable."
"Alright, I'll include my curriculum vitae and portf-"
"Excuse me?" says the woman, interrupting Tom.
"Excuse me, what?"
"What's a curr... curr-"
"Curriculum vitae, its what CV stands for."
"Oh..."
"May I ask, who will be doing the interviewing?"
"We have an interview committee made up of my manager, the H.R. boss, one of the temp coordinators, an experienced temp and an H.R. clerk, myself."
A few moments of silence consume the conversation while Tom thinks "I think they need me more than I need them."
"Okay, thank you. Goodbye."
"Have a good day."
*click*
The Viral Advertising Chart [Link]
WHAT IS VIRAL?
Viral Marketing is the future of commercial advertising. Virals can be videos, games or just web pages which are strategically "seeded" on websites, blogs and mailing lists around the Internet.
As soon as Internet users start forwarding the link or the clip to their friends, it’s gone viral and it will continue to spread across the Web, potentially reaching audiences of millions.
The Viral Chart is a huge leap towards quantifying these audiences.
::: Wednesday, March 01, 2006 :::
Some personalities that come out in meetings [Link]
Don't worry about there being only 8 types, the commentors have added many more.