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asTWISTED byDave: January 2006
::: Tuesday, January 31, 2006 :::
10. Nothing like brightening up your morning with the sight of a double D pair of yams packed in a white tank top with no umbrella in the rain.
09. Watching people run for cover like it's raining frickin'fireballs.
08. You don't sound like such a tool when using the expression "..when it rains, it pours..HA!"
07. Staring up into the rain with your eyes peeled open, waiting for a drop to hit dead center in your pupil - leaving you temporarily blind - it's quite the rush.
06. Looking at all the pretty girls turn into 5-dollar-crack whores as the eye make-up runs down there face.
05. I look better wet.
04. Trying to "accidentally" poke someone's eye out with that one stray spoke on your umbrella.
03. You can pee while your walking and no-one will be the wiser.
02. I'll say it again: there's nothing like brightening up your morning with the sight of a double D pair of yams packed in a white tank top with no umbrella in the rain.
01. Rain is wet, and wet makes me think of, well, you know.
Linkfest- Unclaimed Tickets [Link] How does it work? Every day thousands of tickets and fares get automatically discounted because of a multitude of reasons by travel companies and direct providers. The discounts are very significant and could be effected due to many circumstances including but not limited to - unclaimed status, unsold status, discontinued status, midnight fare recalibration status, and many more. Who is eligible? Anyone, however the limit is 10 tickets or fares per customer per family per month.
- Celebrity Real Names [Link] What kind of idiot would pick Englebert Humperdinck as a stage name?
- JAVA: Sky [Link] Freeee... as a biiirrrd.....
- By Accident [Link] They deliver customized accidents - such as rape, assault and past traumatic experiences - all personally tailored to suit your special needs. When you start changing your past and creating a more unique and interesting life story you should assume the accident has already happened. The services we provide are to help you achieve the realistic behavior and the physical signs that fit the accident of your dreams. Usually, they also make sure you return to your surroundings in a spectacular and dramatic way.
- Oficial RatherGood.com Merchandise [Link] T-shirts for sale. They got monkeys, they got kittens, all in twisted little uniforms and endorsing products.
- Sticky Notes [Link] Click on the note pad at the bottom of the page, and write your message! When you press the "create" button, the page will reload and you will be able to see your message! You can also move the notes around.... ooooooh!
- IMAGE: Yoda Dog [Link] May the kibble be with you.
- Letters to Walken [Link] Forget letters to Santa next year, do this instead.
- Dancing With Your Dog [Link] Order videos and books that teach you how to dance with your canine.
- VIDEO: Plan B - No Good [Link] Pretty cool stop-motion music video directed by Daniel Levi.
- Six Degrees of Smoking [Link] These lighters are distributed for artistic purposes. Please photograph yourself smoking a cigarette lit by this lighter and pass onto a fellow smoker (either a friend or a stranger).
- On the Effectiveness of Aluminium Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study [Link] It has long been suspected that the government has been using satellites to read and control the minds of certain citizens. The use of aluminum helmets has been a common guerrilla tactic against the government's invasive tactics. Surprisingly, these helmets can in fact help the government spy on citizens by amplifying certain key frequency ranges reserved for government use. In addition, none of the three helmets we analyzed provided significant attenuation to most frequency bands. We describe our experimental setup, report our results, and conclude with a few design guidelines for constructing more effective helmets.
- GALLERY: The Rod Jones Celebrity Gallery. [Link] Many budding portraitists start by doing pictures of old Fred down the road or their children and while this is perfectly commendable, none of their acquaintances can tell whether a Good Likeness has been captured unless the subject is known to the critic. The Rod Jones solution - draw celebs. Then, provided your critic is reasonably up on who's who, the budding portraitist will be able to gauge progress by the speed of recognition of the subjects drawn.
- the Great McDonald's Sign Prank [Link] It was November 20th, 2003. I was driving out of the East Alton, Illinois McDonalds drive-thru in the morning, McGriddle in hand, and I noticed a sign that didn't make much sense. It was across the parking lot and directly in front of anyone waiting for their food at the drive-thru window. It said, "OUR TEAM IS EMPOWERED TO GUARANTEE YOUR SATISFACTION. THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING McDONALDS." What a strangely-worded sign. Then I notice the way that the sign is built on the stand - it'd be easy to replace the entire thing with my own creation.
- VIDEO: Monkey washing a cat [Link] Aaawww, it just melts my twisted little heart.
- GALLERY: Lookalikes??? [Link] Hey... Clay Aiken DOES look like Ed Grimley!
- My Heritage [Link] MyHeritage.com is a new company aiming to become the Internet's top destination for genealogy, family and photo-sharing. In our Alpha launch you can preview our face recognition technology. It's a fun demo, now famous all over the Web, called Find the Celebrity in You. Upload a photo of yourself or family and in a few moments we'll automatically show you which celebrity you resemble the most!
- VIDEO: Panama Canal Miraflores locks time-lapse, 1 week compressed into 11 minutes [Link] From the author: "This is a time-lapse video i made from the miraflores lock's webcam. I grabbed the stills with my selfmade program WebcamThief and stitched them together with my selfmade program PhotoLapse."
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Resevoir Dogs on my TV.
What was the last thing my TV did? See previous answer.
How am I feeling? Why? Pretty good, just a little tired, gonna take a walk later on. The weather is pretty good.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." See previous answer.
Random Comments: My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah. - Mitch Hedberg
(I steal these, not experience them. But, I may have some empathy for them)
My roommates
are stupid.
They didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible.
They didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible full of Asian gangsters.
They didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible FULL of Asian gangsters when it was PARKED.
They didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible full of Asian gangsters when it was PARKED RIGHT BELOW OUR APARTMENT BALCONY.
They didn't just throw a water balloon at a convertible full of Asian gangsters when it was parked right below our apartment balcony AT NIGHT with the landlord watching.
No, noooo.
They did it a second time.
I wonder who's at the door?
::: Monday, January 30, 2006 :::
Linkfest- Undoing the Worrying Habit [Link] Once acquired, the habit of worrying seems hard to stop. We're raised to worry and aren't considered "grown up" until we perfect the art. Teenagers are told: "you'd better start worrying about your future". If your worries aren't at least as frequent as your bowel movements, you're seen as irresponsible, childish, aimless. That's a "responsible adult" game rule. To the extent that worrying is learned/conditioned behaviour, it can be undone. There are psychological gimmicks for undoing the worry habit. There are also obstacles.
- Seven Warning Signs of Bogus Science [Link] How can you recognize questionable scientific claims? What are the warning signs of fraud? Here are seven indicators that a scientific claim lies well outside the bounds of rational scientific discourse. Of course, they are only warning signs -- even a claim with several of the signs could be legitimate.
- Journal Sparks [Link] Kick start your imagination, ignite your creativity and begin your journey towards becoming an outstanding writer. Use these prompts for journal and memoir writing.
- Flipbook! [Link] Make yourself a flipbook with your limited artistic creativity. I made a gibbering face, heheh.
- Personality Disorder Test [Link] This tells me I have a couple minor problems, LOL
- The Age of the Megachurch [Link] The 16,000-seat sanctuary of Lakewood Church in Houston (at right), the nation's largest nondenominational congregation, has padded theater seats instead of wooden pews, a stage instead of an altar, and video projection screens instead of stained-glass windows. Hardly a classic place of worship, although the expansive expression of religious community in this vast space is as impressive, in its way, as any soaring medieval nave.
- Subservient Donald [Link] Make Trump-boy do what you want.
- If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: The Next Generation... [Link] The writer even included a commercial break.
- Bad Vibes: The hunt for the worst sound in the world [Link] Fingernails scraping down a blackboard... the scream of a baby... your neighbour's dog barking: what is the worst sound in the world? This is what this website is trying to find out.
- Pick The Worst [Link] You're presented with two bad options, pick the worst. What horrible fun you can have with this.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Bush - Mouth
What was the last thing my TV did? Watched Brainstorm, an old sci-fi movie starring Chistopher Walken.
How am I feeling? Why? Weary. I'm just tired today, like normal mornings. It makes me wish I were an ass and used illegitimate sick days.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Partly cloudy and a little bit chilly. Still a nice day to wear sunglasses though.
Random Comments: I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, Please try again. because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... Come on Mitchell, don't give up! An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top. - Mitch Hedberg
::: Sunday, January 29, 2006 :::
(I steal these, not experience them. But, I may have some empathy for them)
We had some friends in from out of state a while back. This of course meant that there would be much taking of assorted drugs. On the final day of their trip I was closing up my work (a retail store located in a mall) and some of my friends were hanging out after a heated game of RISK (it's a geekstore). The weekend had degenerated into them huffing the cans of compressed air we use to clean our computers. At one point one guy takes in what is easily the deepest intake of air I've ever seen. But it wasn't oxygen he was inhaling.
He puts his head down on my counter and I immediately think he's about to die. A minute later he slowly lifts his head up, and dribbling from his chin down to the glass of my counter is a 6 inch wide pool of drool. The look on his face was a parade of expressions: pain, happiness, innocence, more pain, and that dull look that one gets when they've just killed several thousand braincells.
If I'd had a camera I'm positive I'd have created the ultimate anti-drug campaign picture.
::: Friday, January 27, 2006 :::
Warning Label Generator [Link] Create a warning label like the one below in four easy steps.
Step #1: Choose a warning label.
Step #2: Choose a warning symbol.
Step #3: Type in your warning message.
Step #4: Click the button.
Okay, I'll do another...
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!' Patricia Arquette
"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer
Linkfest- SwarmSketch [Link] SwarmSketch is an ongoing online canvas that explores the possibilities of distributed design by the masses. Each week it randomly chooses a popular search term which becomes the sketch subject for the week. In this way, the collective is sketching what the collective thought was important each week.
- (SORRY!!!) Hufu [Link] You know tufu? Well.... this is a little more... human. Ew.
- Worth1000 Contest: Monster ModRen 3 [Link] This contest askes a simple question: If the renaissance took place in more recent times, and the models were famous movie monsters/aliens, what would the artwork have looked like?
- AMAZON: JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank [Link] Star Wars desert cruiser for sale!
- List of British English words not used in American English [Link] From Wikipedia.
- Parasitic Humanoid [Link] The Parasitic Humanoid (PH) is a wearable robot for modeling nonverbal human behavior. This anthropomorphic robot senses the behavior of the wearer and has the internal models to learn the process of human sensory motor integration continuously, thereafter it begins to predict the next behavior of the wearer using the learned models.
- EnterTrainer [Link] The award-winning EnterTrainer TM is a totally new type of fitness invention that "virtually" powers your TV with exercise. It doesn't generate electricty (that would be too bulky and expensive) but gives you the same motivational experience. It works with your existing fitness equipment, allowing you to get the most from your investment in your treadmill, exercise bike, Nordic Track TM, rowing machine, and more.
- ISOCITY [Link] Isocity is meant as a place for pixelartsists around the world to showcase their talents, as well as acting as a linkpage to their websites. Isocity is open for anyone to participate in.
- The Open Library [Link] Their goal is to upload all books onto the net so you can find it all in one place. Looks... big.
- GALLERY: Mupinc Surrealism [Link] 48 images by Huss Judson. Weird.
- How to wash a baseball cap [Link] Thanks!
- I want to: [Link] This is a pade of utilities that help you do stuff you want to. (It looks promising - D.)
- LIFEHACKER: Starbucks. Coffee. Fast. [Link] Want to skip the line at Starbucks? Someone found a way. This morning, some guy waltzed in, placed his order and was on his way while a half dozen or so people stood around waiting for the baristas to finish their orders.
- Cyber Wars [Link] It is a free online RPG! There are hundreds of things to do in this vast online game, sure to keep you busy for hours!
- Web developer's handbook [Link] I see lots of good stuff here on Knet. No, I'm not just looking at my own website, but there's too many tired templates out there.
- How To Destroy Your Video [Link] "We destroyed my old video recorder, by putting food and detergent into it, letting kids use it as a skateboard, smashing it with hammers, dipping it into a lake, attacking it with an axe and a crowbar, running over it with a car, and finally blowing it up."
- Banzai English [Link] Engrish Photo Directory!!!!! "Thank you!!! I have liked this since today!!!"
- GALLERY: Useless bike path [Link] Gigabyte writes about the small useless bike lane from Silom to Sathorn on Narathiwat Road: ...It is full of obstacles (maybe good for mountain bikers) and uses often all the space available so the many pedestrians will either have to fight with the bicycles, or they will have to walk in the street...
- LIFEHACKER: Write effectively for the Web [Link] Writing online is much different from writing on paper. The rules you learned in Freshman Composition don’t all apply. Writing and reading on the Web involves a whole set of issues, freedoms and limitations print does not. It's not like I do much of that here, I mean, this is a blog, y'know?
- Cribcandy [Link] A thumbnail blog with pictures & links to cool things for your home. Updated constantly from around the web.
- How to Detect Lies [Link] The following techniques to telling if someone is lying are often used by police, and security experts. This knowledge is also useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions. Warning: Sometimes Ignorance is bliss; after gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you.
- Vending Machines of Japan [Link] I think I linked to this already, but here it is again!!!
- DUSSO [Link] Yanick Dusseault is a Visual Artist, this is his online portfolio. It's good, he's done work in a bunch of movies.
- My Pet Zombies [Link] Imagine coming face to face with a Zombie standing 6' tall with hunger in his horrific blood curdling eyes, and vomit inducing gore. Now you have the chance of adopting and owning your very own "My Pet Zombie".
- Mr Angry & Mrs Calm [Link] If you are near to the picture on this website, Mr Angry is on the left and Mrs Calm is on the right. Then, if you view it from a distance, they switch places!
- Google Book Search [Link] The Google Machine grows just a little bit larger...
- GALLERY: funny superhero comic book covers [Link] I didn't know Superman was such a prick back in the day... anyway here's a bunch mostly from DC Comics.
- LIFEHACKER: How do I back up my blog? [Link] Woohoo!!!!
- Technorati [Link] Technorati brings you what’s happening on the web right now. It's one of the best websites around. Heck, I'd have more traffic if I visited this website and updated daily, but I like my own pace much better. I like my lethargic blogging.
- 11 Tips on How to Avoid Back Pain [Link] You're welcome.
- Staplerotica [Link] The best in stapler pr0n. It has bukkake, extreme penetration, scat, orgies, bdsm and other miscellaneous stapler blasphemy.
- Sandles and Socks [Link] Love it. I do this in summer sometimes... Sure, it looks stupid, but my feet stay nice and cool.
- GALLERY: Visions of Science, 2005 Winners [Link] This is pretty cool in a national geographic sorta way.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong
What was the last thing my TV did? I watched The Aristocrats last night. I wasn't sure what I was renting, but when I heard that classic joke told, I began to laugh immediately. It's a horribly entertaining DVD.
How am I feeling? Why? *whine* I don't wanna go into woooorrrrk!/No school today mom...
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Warm and cloudy. It might even rain today.
Random One-Liner: The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
::: Thursday, January 26, 2006 :::
Two guys got tickets to a new bestselling Broadway show "The Lamp of Aladdin". They lived on the other side of the city, so they decided to leave early to be in time for the show. When they left the apartment, one of them remembered that he needs to go to a toilet (for a "small thing"). "Well", he thinks. "I’ll go when I get to the theatre".
It took a while for them to get a taxi, so he begins to get the urge, but consoles himself that he will be OK when they get to the theatre. However, due to the traffic jam they get to the theatre rather late. The performance is sold out and when they get through the crowd, there’s no time for him to go to the toilet. The urge is pretty strong by now.
"Hmm, I think I can manage until the break" says the guy and they go to watch the show. An hour passes by, there’s no break. The guy now can not see anything on stage, only one thought in his head: "I need to pee!!! RIGHT NOW!!!"
Another half an hour passes by, there’s no break!
"Joe, I can not help myself. I’m going to the toilet", says the guy. "Ok, Jack, go", says his friend. Jack gets up, gets out of the room and runs down the corridor looking for the toilet. He sees the door, opens it - it’s an accounting office. He slams the door and runs down the corridor, feeling that there’s only few seconds left until he loses control and relieves himself.
There’s another door! He opens it, but there’s administrative office. Cursing he slams the door and runs again. Another door! Wheeeew" There’s a dark room and a kettle on the floor."
"Well, I don’t have the strength to hold it anymore, I can use a kettle", thinks the guy. He runs to the kettle, relieves himself and goes back to his seat with a happy smile. He sits down, looks around and sees that the whole audience fell down from their seats and are rolling on the floor laughing.
He looks around, finds Joe and asks: "Joe, Joe, what happened?"
"You know Jack, when you got on stage, the audience thought that there’s another character from the show. When you got to the lamp of Aladdin and unbuttoned your pants, the audience fell silent. When you started relieving yourself into the Aladdin’s lamp, everyone was silent from shock. When you, smiling happily, got out from the stage, there was a deadening silence. But when the genie jumped out of the lamp swearing loudly: "WHAT THE HELL" I’M SITTING HERE IN THIS FRIGGIN LAMP FOR AN HOUR EVERYDAY, AND NOW THEY START PEEING ON ME ??!!! THAT’S IT. I QUIT", the audience could not help themselves"."
Linkfest It's not much, but what are you gonna do about it?- FLASH GAME: Swron [Link] Tron Clone!!!
- NEWS: 'HAIR' IS THE HAT [Link] Heh-heh, it's even fun to read his quotes.
- The Adventures of Hello Cthulhu [Link] Comic series by FrogPlague
- 10 of the most possibly stupid tattoos I have ever seen [Link] Hosted by G-Shack.com. I think the most creative (yet most geeky) would be tattoo #2.
- Kermit - the pothead [Link] K-man smokes a fatty.
- TV Cream's Toy Catalogue [Link] We used to be kids too, you know. We used to want for things. Before Amazon wish-lists, online ordering and "add to basket" buttons, we used to have the catalogues; big, chunky, glossy bi-annual volumes with a dozen or so pages at the back brimming with toys, games, crafts and novelties. Just for us. They were our Internet. That was where we learned to "browse", circling toy after toy with red felt-tip, carefully planning imaginary shopping trips or hoped-for birthdays and Christmas mornings.
- Machinima - comedy index [Link] Do you remember when I linked to Red vs. Blue? Well, you should scroll down this long page and watch ALL of their episodes and their Public Service Announcements. There's lots more machinima here to view also.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Turn the Page, covered by Metallica
What was the last thing my TV did? I watched The Escapist, starring Johnny Miller. He plays the role of a man whose pregnant wife was murdered in front of him. The killer sadistically left him alive and was later caught. Then Johnny's character gets himself thrown into jails, looking for revenge.
How am I feeling? Why? My back is sore today and my brain is baked. I've been auditing at work this week.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Niiiiiiiice!!!! Sunny and warm.
Random Comments:
#1: NOT ONE SHRED OF EVIDENCE SUPPORTS THE NOTION THAT LIFE IS SERIOUS
#2: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
#3: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#4: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in North America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put our respective Departments of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
::: Wednesday, January 25, 2006 :::
Wish [Link] Share your wish with the world, anonymously. We only keep the wish description you type and the time it is submitted. No information about you or your computer is collected. You can also read all the other 1000-plus wishes already there.
Self Portrait Day [Link]Ever realize you keep visiting the same old web sites, seeing the same familiar faces? Self Portrait Day will help you discover new and exciting individuals.
Under pictures, you get their name, their website, their location, how they discovered the Internet, favourite sandwich and what they do with their Sunday evenings.
::: Tuesday, January 24, 2006 :::
The "Alice" Mask [Link]
How would you react if you ran into someone wearing this and they were acting completely normal?
I'm not so sure I'd keep my cool.
(My sister-in-law sent me this one, Thanks Mel! - D.)
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
THE RESPONSE...
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 straight hours.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative.
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety requirements, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were NOT ALL, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
::: Monday, January 23, 2006 :::
Old Pals
A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says,"Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."
Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"
Bernie says, "You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?"
Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me..."
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife...
"Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"
The Explorer's Plight
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm doomed!"
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed."
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial --it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...
Poor Dave
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
::: Sunday, January 22, 2006 :::
This is a BIIIIIG one. Months of surfing in here. - D.- iiiiiiii [Link] Um... silly. NOISE ALERT!
- FLASH GAME: The Mad Courier [Link] Everyone in Sun Valley needs their packages delivered immediately! Can you cruise through town and drop off their goods on time?
- Lightning On Demand [Link] And other high voltage projects. Like: The Taser Cannon, it can direct a 15,000 Ampere plasma channel through the air along a straight trajectory, at grounded targets up to 35 ft downrange.
- Image Gallery: Strange Shoes [Link] Check out the "kick boxing" shoes at the bottom, heheh.
- Sackwear, shirts for people [Link] Heh-heh, serious wood...
- Light-up Bras by Janet Hansen [Link] A good idea for any Friday night!
- Relive Arcade Classics And MAME Roms [Link] Woohoo!
- Woogle [Link] Words in pictures. You search for a phrase and it returns a picture for every word you searched.
- Philippe Dufour, master watchmaker [Link] Um... an idolizing page.
- Castles For Sale in Europe [Link] That's it, I'm TOTALLY going to find a sugar-momma and move myself and her to Europe!
- How Permanent is Your CD-R? [Link] Answer: 70 to 200 years. Don't believe me? Read it for yourself.
- Caring for Your Introvert [Link] DO YOU KNOW someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?
If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands. - Cartoon Laws Of Physics [Link] 10 laws and 5 amendments make up this depository of toon knowledge.
- Top 50 Sci-Fi TV shows of all time [Link] One-frickin-page at a time...
- A SOCIAL HISTORY OF CONJOINED TWINS [Link] AAAH!!! Ugh. blech.
- Perfect Sideburns [Link] I have a friend who recently shaved his beard and left sideburns. I was expecting all-out muttonchops, but no... just sideburns.
- Cooking 101 [Link] Someone made me a horrible meal recently... you know who you are. This is for you.
- New Office Slang [Link] Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
- 100 MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED WORDS IN ENGLISH [Link] Even grad students sometimes misspell words.
- Jakob Lodwick's Flickr stream. [Link] aka Blumpy.org. Nice photos, though.
- IGN Interviews Billy West [Link] Billy West, as in Fry from Futurama!
- Stewie Live! [Link] Command Stewie from Family Guy.
- Stewie Hacked! [Link] Yes, someone already hacked Stewie and now you can make him do every possible thing he can. By cheating. Cheater.
- FLASH ANIM: Marzooq [Link] The story of poor Marzooq, his bowl, some cannibals and Nassay, his enemy.
- 72 Hours.org [Link] In a major disaster, it might be several days before vital services are restored. Imagine that you have no electricity, no gas, no water and no telephone service. Imagine that all the businesses are closed and you are without any kind of emergency services. What will you do until help arrives?
- FLASH GAME: aim for the brain [Link] Rubik's cube. The second astronaut from the right stops the stupid music. The first button on the left randomizes the cube and you can experiment with the other astronauts yourself. I did it in six minutes. Can you beat that?
- U.S. Army Survival Manual [Link] Yeah, because serious things like survival need a game to break the mood.
- Recipes with Popcorn [Link] Try to imagine you get stranded in a cornfield...
- VID: NASA floats a cat in zero gravity [Link] (2 megabytes!) I bet you it was sick after the clip ended.
- The Top 15 Differences Now That Britney's a Mom [Link] #8 Her claim of still being a virgin is only marginally less believable than it was five years ago.
- Magazine Illusions [Link] Those silly japanese...
- Digimods [Link] The definitive virtual car site. This is the largest database of computer generated modified cars on the net.
- Worth1000 Contest: Reality Manga [Link] WARNING: long load. Lots of images, etc etc etc...
- uncyclopedia.org's For Dummies page [Link] The funniest part is at the bottom, where the International Dummies Group apologises for... well... you'll see.
- Things not to do (on a Unicycle) [Link] Duh!!!
- Nabaztag [Link] Nabaztag is a newborn bunny, one of a unique species of intelligent, smart objects. "I'm 23 cm tall, I wriggle my ears, I sing, I talk and my body lights up and pulsates with hundreds of colours.
- Vector Garden [Link] This project was inspired by the famous novel "Alice in Wonderland" and is a story about a fairyland where life has its own rules. As Alice begins to understand these rules, she discovers a wonderful garden filled with beauty. Now you can.
- FutureMe [Link] Here's the story: two fellas started this so that you could write yourself a letter to be delivered at a later date. we've all had to do them in high school and college. it's sorta cool to receive a letter from yourself about where you thought you'd be a year (two years? more?) later.
- How to Remove a Hickey [Link] Woohoo!
- Personal Analog Device [Link] The PersonalDigitalAssistant (aka HandHeld) is stale and outdated. The PersonalAnalogDevice is hip and on the uprise. No, I don't have one of these either. But you can find all sorts of these around the web, if you haven't already.
- VID: Squirrel Fishing [Link] The squirrels at the Royal Botanic Garden in Edinburgh are vicious wee buggers and often chase visitors for food. So I thought I'd turn the tables on them this afternoon and go squirrel fishing.
- NEUROTICALLY YOURS CARTOON: TECH SUPPORT II [Link] That poor east indian... but I want a shocking monkey too.
- Weird and wonderful vocabulary from around the world [Link] How come only German has a word for 'a person who leaves without paying the bill' (Zechpreller) or that Albanians need 27 words for moustache? A compelling new book uncovers the globe's most weird, wonderful - and meaningful - words. John Walsh picks his favourites.
- The most beautiful CG girl #2 [Link] Geeks, prepare to fall in love.
- WHAT WERE THE GREATEST INVENTIONS OF ALL TIME? [Link] This list is by the Encyclopædia Britannica. So you know it's good.
- You might be a child of the 80's if... [Link] Yeah.
- You might be a child of the 90's if... [Link] Ditto.
- Yahoo! Widget Engine [Link] Keep the stuff that you love right at your fingertips. Bring life to your desktop with fun, stylish, and useful Yahoo! Widgets. To get Widgets on your desktop, you first need to download the Yahoo! Widget Engine.
- Monty Python's Flying Circus, Just the Words [Link] The complete unexpurgated scripts of the original TV series (except for the animation bits)
- Celebrity Hangman, brought to you by POPCORN: The Entertainment Site For The Next Generation [Link] Obvious: Most popular victim is Britney Spears.
- Renova [Link] Buy designer toilet paper!
- VID: I/O Brush [Link] Dang, look at that. That's amazing.
- Brain Gelatin Mold [Link] I wonder if they ran this past Bill Crosby? Nah, I don't think so either.
- Despair, Inc. [Link] Home to the infamous demotivational posters!
- DIY: Home made hovercraft [Link] Right, like you're going to do it yourself...
- Humorous News Stories on Truth or Fiction? [Link] It turns out that mouse that set the house on fire didn't actually happen.
- "The Top 10 Most Ridiculous Products Of The Future" [Link] I don't know, #3 seems pretty doable.
- Dumb things done or said at a job interview [Link] The guy in the eighth line has got balls.
- Mohawking [Link] Cutting and shaving by Dan and Anjuli, then playing around with it.
- Unique Art Gifts - Stone Sculpture Gallery [Link] Painted Rocks by George Witham.
- The Face of Dr. Claw... Revealed! [Link] Remember Inspector Gadget? Yup, me too. "I'll get you next time, Gadget... NEXT TIME!"
- Superman's a mean drunk [Link] Too funny.
- VID: Weird plantimals (?) and cool music [Link] I'm just not sure about this. It's gross to watch yet... ?????
- Gibson [Link] No, not the spirit, the world's tallest dog!!! When he stands on his hind legs, the 170-pound "Harlequin" Great Dane is more than 7 feet tall, and has a shoulder height of 42.6 inches (topping Harvey's old record of 41.5 inches). Thankfully for everyone, Gibson is just a big, friendly puppy dog.
- General Zod 2008 [Link] WTFOMFGLMAO!!!!!!
- NEWS: Scientists Finding Out What Losing Sleep Does to a Body [Link] Owch.
- 1000 things made of bamboo [Link] Categories include Music, Home, Outdoor and others.
- 50 states, 50 slogans [Link] It's just one loooooong image, but it's still 50 bits of funny.
- BZZURKK! The Thesaurus of Champions [Link] Sounds.... as text, as opposed to descriptions.
- FLASH: Elastic Enthiusiastic [Link] Grab the woman, make her bounce.
- Timeline of video games [Link] Hmm... it starts in 1860.
- FLASH: Are you dumb? [Link] Hosted by Jimmy Chu. If you can answer all three correctly, you are not dumb. I am not dumb.
- Casselton Can Pile [Link] "World's Largest Tower of Oil Cans"
- Welcome to the online portfolio of Meats Meier [Link] 3D art. Coooooool.
- What Really Happened [Link] The history the government hopes you DON'T learn!
- VR: Life inside a water bottle [Link] Extreme VR shot inside a water bottle, by photographer Thomas Mottl.
- Omniglot, What's that character on the scroll? [Link] The homepage of this site features an image of a scroll with a glyph on it which changes each time you visit, refresh or reload the page. If you're wondering what the glyph are and which script they come from, see this page.
- Gallery: Weird Shaped Guitars [Link] I can't pick a favourite, because these all kinda suck.
- SaveMyAss [Link] Save My Ass is a personal assistant that helps you make your girlfriend or wife happy by sending her flowers on your behalf, on a regular but semi-random basis.
- Ballsies [Link] Ballsies, the first line of jewelry that captures the essence of everyone's favorite baggy buddies. Strength, guts, independence, and attitude: Ballsies are everything you are, just slightly more bulbous. - MY COMMENT => OH SNAP!!
- Mitch Hedberg Video Gallery [Link] Mitch Hedberg (February 24, 1968 - March 30, 2005) was "an American stand-up comedian known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs."
- Random Riddles [Link] Challenge your mind with a few random riddles.
- The Sh***y Tipper Database [Link] By the Bitter Waitress website. I have a few friends who would appreciate this. Damn, they listed me.
- Find a Meetup Group [Link] A Meetup Group shares a cause or interest and meets regularly face-to-face.
- Rare TV Outtakes, Part One - Star Trek [Link] It's nice to see William Shatner's screwups.
- Pimp your kids ride [Link] HAHAHAH, I did something like this before, with a mod kit.
- Stereotyping Your Office [Link] Me: tidy post-its.
- 10 things you shouldn't buy new [Link] Helpful advice from MSN Money.
- Litter Robot [Link] Self-cleaning cat litter box. I need one of these for my cat.
- Firefox Tweak Guide [Link] WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!
- Beerwise [Link] The beer blog, categories include ads, history, photos, jokes and more.
- URGENT - Memo from Osama Bin Laden [Link] Funny!
- List of neologisms on The Simpsons [Link] The Simpsons, an animated television series, has used and coined many neologisms for humorous effect. The most famous example is Homer Simpson's signature annoyed grunt, "D'oh!" which has been listed in the Oxford English Dictionary, in addition to smaller references such as OUP's single-volume Oxford Dictionary of English (second edition).
- Birthday Calculator [Link] Enter your birthdate and then scroll down for fun statistics and your astrological data.
- First Edition PEZ MP3 Player [Link] 1st edition, only 1500 made.
- Celery + Gravity = Art [Link] It is unfair to judge Art Frahm by these illustrations. He did many that were much, much worse. - Even I'm not so sure I should be posting this one...
- VID: Nelsno De La Rose [Link] The little dancing man. He seems pretty cool. Look at his wife!
- VID: Every :30 [Link] Every thirty seconds a man is hit by a drunk driver. This is that man.
- Courtroom Quotations [Link] The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.
- Gallery of Bellydancing Librarians [Link] Cool.
- Atom Smasher's Office Building Sign Generator [Link] 4 lines of fun.
- MyPhysicsLab - Physics Simulation with Java [Link] Click on one of the physics simulations here and you'll see them animating in real time, and be able to interact with them by dragging objects or changing parameters like gravity.
- Preventing Computer Related Neck and Shoulder Problems [Link] You're welcome.
- VID: Army SA [Link] Hehehehehhee....
- Saskatchewan Snowmobile For Sale [Link] I want me one of this double-track, dual headlight, pimped-out sweetness.
- Grand Illusions [Link] Grand Illusions was formed in 1996 (old by Internet standards!) and was originally designed as a way of sharing our enthusiasm for various science based phenomena, fun and games, and optical illusions.
- PIC: The world at night [Link] Loverly.
- Coca-Cola formula [Link] At Wikipedia.
- Funny Stones To Tickle Your Funny Bones [Link] Epitaphs.
- IMAGE: L33t LOTR [Link] A Lord of the Rings gif of screenshots and the story in gamechatspeak.
- Subservient Stickman [Link] Yup. Anudder one.
- The Peltier Beer [Link] While drinking certain dark beers in the sun, I came to think about how to keep the beer cold until I finished it. Normally this isn’t a big problem as I usually finish them before they get warm, but on really hot days this can be a problem. Having some hardware lying around in my apartment, I decided to build something that could keep the beer cool.
::: Sunday, January 15, 2006 :::
DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer
Once considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Windows 98 Beer
Millions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.
Windows 2000 Beer
The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.
Unix Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
Linux Beer
LINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.
AmigaDOS Beer
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
Linkfest- FLASH GAME: Metriod Genesis [Link] Point&Click Fun for the kids! [Warning - unmuteable music and loud noises]
- mboverloadPAK [Link] Firefox extension pack for the users who just don't know that Firefox really is better than Internut Exploder.
- MythBusters Episodes [Link] The cast/crew of the television series MythBusters performs experiments to verify or debunk urban legends, old wives' tales, and the like. This is a list of the various myths tested on the show as well as the results of the experiments (the myth is Busted, Plausible, or Confirmed).
- VIDEO: extra light pancakes [Link] Um... yeah.. very light. Bright.
- Domebuilder's Blues [Link] Are you thinking that living in a house shaped like half a soccer ball? Well, building it proves to be quite a challenge.
- AirplaneHome.com [Link] Ugliest home 3V4R! A Boeing 727-200 Home Project.
- VIDEO: POPStation2 [Link] Cheap knockoff investigated. Shuy.
- FLASH GAME: Atom [Link] It's in german, but all you do is connect the dots with the lines in the holes. Um... yeah. The first one is easy to do and you'll get it after that. So is the second one. But it really gets hard after password "ascorbin"
- FLASH: Wombat, my the Foundation for Global Community [Link] The wombat reminds us we only have one world and we're all neighbors.
- The Power of Play at Work [Link] However, we all know there are way to many tasks, even in a fun job, that simply are no fun to do. Anything you have to do routinely, for example, can be a drag. But that doesn’t have to be. Adding a little play into your day can make things quite a bit better.
- What Should I Read Next? [Link] Enter a book you like and the site will analyse our database of real readers' favourite books (over 15,000 and growing) to suggest what you could read next.
- The Magnificent Find: Discovering the Lincoln Death Photograph [Link] More than 50 years ago a 14-year-old boy found a photograph of President Abraham Lincoln in his coffin taken on April 24, 1865, in New York City. The discovery startled historians, because Edwin M. Stanton, Lincoln's Secretary of War, had ordered this photograph to be destroyed.
- A Natural History of the @ Sign [Link] At.
- LOGOWORKS.COM RIP-OFFS [Link] Bad logoworks stole lots of logos. See them for yourself.
- VIDEO: Wahh-zaaaap, by kids. [Link] Kids drink the darndest things.
- T-shirt: Your Retarded [Link] I guess this shirt is a booby trap for wannabe grammar police. "Hey", they'll whine, "did you know that your shirt uses the possessive 'your' when it should use the contraction 'you're'?" At which point you'll shake your head, mutter the words on your shirt, and walk away.
- Vending Machines of Japan [Link] You've all heard that they sell used schoolgirls' panties, but they also sell... and I'm not kidding you: beetles. But I sure could use a few of those beer machines around town.
- FLASH GAME: Megaman Project X [Link] Demo version.
- FLASH GAME: Robots Attack [Link] I was bored and wanted to play games, but was too lazy to fire up the ol' PS2.
- GameMan [Link] Forget the GameBoy, get me one of these.
- Elvis Spotted in the Conference Room [Link] I loves me them post-it notes.
- Photos Beyond The Wall [Link] Heheh... I hope I never need this service.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Movie: Unleashed. He's just learning to play the piano right now.
What was the last thing my TV did? It's still doing it.
How am I feeling? Why? Contemplative.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Snowy, kinda cold and very cloudy.
Random Comments: An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. - Mitch Hedberg
::: Tuesday, January 10, 2006 :::
(I steal these, not experience them. But, I may have some empathy for them)
One:
Her: i think my bed's calling me
Me: what is it calling you?
Her: big fat poophead
Two:
It was one in the morning. The back door banged open triumphantly. She stomped into the house in an aromatic wave of beer, bellowing:
"I GOT CHOCOLATE CIGARS, BOW TIES WITH BLINKIES AND INFLATABLE CLOWN SHOES!"
And she did.
Three:
Years ago in high school I was sitting at a lunch table with all my other geek friends. Out of nowhere an oreo cookie came rocketing and struck my friend Scott in the head. It took us a minute to put together the following: the cookie had struck so perfectly that the two pieces of cookie had squished all the filling out in little white ribbons all over the table and Scotts head - and the ends were pressed together with no filling between them. And they didn't even crack.
We tried in vain many times to duplicate this amazing shot much to Scotts displeasure.
Four:
The other day our IT guy sets me up with a "smart" card for my computer.
So now, I'm prompted to enter a yet a new password to remember.
I try 666Hell and the machine replies that password has already been used.
What kind of sick fuck would pick that anyway?
Five:
I just heard the largest fence in the world is in Australia. It spans across the entire country and it's to keep the rabbits out.
Who runs that country anyway? Elmer Fudd?
Six:
I was in Carl's Jr the other night, and there were 5 people in the joint, including me. One black guy was on the phone with a friend of his, talking rather loudly about how long it has been since he has been "laid"...
On the other side of the joint was a "Jesus Freak" who was obviously getting offended at the conversation taking place. He gets up and walks over to the loud-talking guy and asks what all the noise it. The black guy tells him to back off. The Jesus Freak says that God just wants to help him.
The black guy says, "Unless He wants to help me take my foot out of your ass, I suggest you mind your own business."
I couldn't eat anymore because I was laughing so hard.
::: Thursday, January 05, 2006 :::
Some Polish Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the Polish guy that locked his keys in his car?
A: Took him an hour using a coat hanger to get his family out.
Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.
Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter said she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"
Q: You go to a cockfight. How can you identify the Polish guy?
A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.
In Poland's largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage.
People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours!
A 12-year-old boy walks up to his Polish neighbor and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife naked! Nyah, nyah, nyah."
The guy answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny...
Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!"
...and finally:
Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?
And now, something different
Q: What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A: A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.
God's plan
A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn't give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.
The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this?" God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it. Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic. Jesus asked God,"Why would you let him do that?"
God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell?"