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asTWISTED byDave: December 2005
::: Tuesday, December 27, 2005 :::
I'm happy to announce that Canada defeated Finland in their first game of the tournament game five to one, with Winnipeg son Dustin Boyd scored a pair of goals in the process. This year's tournament is being played in Kelowna, Kamloops and Vancouver, British Columbia.
[Link]
Good luck to Team Canada on Wednesday versus the swiss, Thursday versus the norwegians and Friday versus the americans! (All games are at 7:30 p.m. Central Time, all on TSN.) Medal rounds will be played on Jan 2, 3 and 5.
::: Wednesday, December 21, 2005 :::
As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
And I couldn't possibly laugh harder at it...
"When girls drink too much"
1. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE MY PURSE IS.
2. I BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH MY ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING MY BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. I'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED I WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE I COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN MY LAST TRIP TO PEE, I REALIZE I NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS I WAS JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. I DROP MY 3:00 A.M. SUBMARINE SANDWICH ON THE FLOOR (WHICH I'M EATING EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT HUNGRY), PICK IT UP AND CARRY ON EATING IT
6. I START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE I SEE THAT I LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
7. I GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
8. I'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO ME
9. THE MAN I'M FLIRTING WITH USED TO BE MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER.
10. THE URGE TO TAKE OFF ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, STAND ON A TABLE AND SING OR DANCE BECOMES STRANGELY OVERWHELMING.
11. MY EYES JUST DON'T SEEM TO WANT TO STAY OPEN ON THEIR OWN SO I KEEP THEM HALF CLOSED AND THINK IT LOOKS EXOTICALLY SEXY.
12. I'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
13. I YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO (I THINK) CHEATED ME BY GIVING ME JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
14. I THINK I'M IN BED, BUT MY PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR
15. I START EVERY CONVERSATION WITH A BOOMING, "DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY BUT..."
16. I FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN I SIT ON IT.
17. MY HUGS BEGIN TO RESEMBLE WRESTLING TAKE-DOWN MOVES.
18. I'M TIRED SO I JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR (WHEREVER I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING) AND TAKE A QUICK NAP.
19. I BEGIN LEAVING THE BUTTONS OPEN ON MY BUTTON FLY PANTS TO CUT DOWN ON THE TIME I'M IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM MY DRINK.
20. I TAKE MY SHOES OFF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
::: Friday, December 16, 2005 :::
Classic Quotes from the Roommates that I've lived with...
* "You gotta figure steak is safer because you figure no one is sticking their fingers in it"
* "Telescopic is definitely a real word"
* "You know your Mexican if you have a decal on the back of the car with your name- before you even get a license plate."
* "Looks like somebody unplugged the power the DJ booth!"
* "We are opening a new night club- the slogans going to be: Kansas City's premier HARD dance club!"
* "You figure- we probably have the best H-O-R-S-E venue in the nation."
* "I fu*kin' love carving pumpkins!"
* "1 AM @ Chubbys - "You want chicken fried steak? Ewww, I wanna vomit!"
* "If you can stick your fingers in it- and then it gets lost, thats how you know"
* "Yeah dude, she totally has side-ass."
* "I said yes, she said no, she said shut up..."
* "Are you guys really in here folding pocket squares?"
* "Last one there's a Penis Pump!"
* "DooDoo-DooDoo-Doo-Doo!!"
* "Scott the douche!"
* "Daddy! I want my oompa loompa now!!"
* "I guess the city finally did something about the squirrel problem."
Customer Service?
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness.
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ... "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
The Maid
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madame. He has told me himself." The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madame," said the maid. "The chauffeur told me that!"
::: Thursday, December 15, 2005 :::
:One:
Working at a convenience store, I sold some guy a pack of cigarettes. He lights one up and goes browsing the isles. I tell him "no smoking in the store." He looks at me and asks "I can buy cigs in the store, why can't I smoke them here too?"
So told him "we sell condoms here too, now leave."
:Two:
My best friend has his cell phone always set to Vibrate. We both hate those annoying tiny rings.
Once, his cell phone rang (or more appropriately buzzed), which inspired his girlfriend to shout out "JESUS!"
So, the cell phone is now called the Vibrating Jesus.
I think that'd be a better name for a vibrator than a communication device.
:Three:
A friend of my brother's comes from a family of five kids, he being the oldest at 17 and his little sister being the youngest at 2 years.
The family recently aquired two Bishon Frise dogs for the two middle children.
The boy child named his new companion "Snowy."
The girl child could not come up with a name, so her brother helped her out.
The dog belonging to the little girl is called "Atilla the Hun."
Snowy and Atilla the Hun, the two fluffy white Bishons.
I like it.
NEW FIREFOX!!!
Version 1.5 is out and ready to download [Link] but if you're worried about losing your extensions like I was, use this: [Link] It's called Nightly Tester Tools and is an experimental tool to see if past extensions will work with new versions of FireFox. In other words, it makes your old toys work with your new toys.
Peace out - D.
::: Wednesday, December 14, 2005 :::
I know this freak, he's so into health food and dieting and nutrition, he makes me wanna puke sometimes. I always ask him why, and he replies because if you keep your body healthy, you feel better and live longer. Wouldn't it be ironic if one day he steps off the curb and gets hit by a bus being driven by a guy who smokes 3 packs a day.
What the HELL are we doing on this stupid rock anyway. I heard a comedian talk about this guy Jim Fixx. Jim was a big jogging guy, jogged 10 miles a day, jogging video, jogging book, and dropped dead of a massive heart attack when? when he was jogging, that's when.
Leads me to wonder, what the hell are we doing on this big stupid rock anyway? I mean, we go through life uncertain if were gonna drop dead tomorrow. I'd like to think there's an afterlife, but really, there's no solid evidence to support that at all. Ironically, I do believe in god, but what's the deal? We spend our whole life trying to live like good little people only to get thrown a curve ball to make us crippled or dead.
Whats with all this randomness? Where are we all going? With all the disease and suffering that is normal life, you should enjoy your life to the fullest and have a good sense of humor because life just don't make any sense at all.
I guess I have to say I'm proud of some of my friends they seem to have a good sense of humor about stuff. So when you people go outside and get struck by lightning today while you're eating your non-fat veggie burger that tastes more like the leg from your kitchen table then it does meat, remember bacon! Natures candy! Its chock full of artery-cloggin' fun!
::: Tuesday, December 13, 2005 :::
It seems that sometime this week, every unit, office or group are having their Christmas get-together, bash, shindig or outing. Here's some handy tips.
1.About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they serve rum balls.
2.Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.
3.If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4.As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5.Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food. Lots of it. Hellloo?
6.Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7.If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8.Same for pies? Apple? Pumpkin? Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?? Labor Day?
9.Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
9.And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Bob and Doug MacKenzie's "Twelve Days of Christmas"
What was the last thing my TV did? I've been playing Star Wars Battlefront 2. I did the campaign on Sunday (And that's all I did) and started on one of the galactic conquests last night after playing online for a while.
How am I feeling? Why? My nose is stuffed and I have no tp right here. I'll wait.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." I have no idea, I just woke up... kinda late, but that's alright. I'm working later hours this week. Woah, I just looked outside, it looks wicked cold out there.
Random Comments: And a beer... Heheheheheh...
::: Sunday, December 11, 2005 :::
I think it's time I did something like this, eh? Here's some of the ones you can see me using online these days, either on message boards, forums, MSN or Yahoo messengers. Even AIM and ICQ in the past:
::: Thursday, December 08, 2005 :::
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you,Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here...
::: Wednesday, December 07, 2005 :::
Girls love to argue.
Girls love to argue and nag.
Girls love to argue and nag and bitch.
Girls love to argue and nag and bitch and complain.
Girls love to argue and nag and bitch and complain and yell.
Girls love to argue and nag and bitch and complain and yell and fight.
Anyway, you get my point. I don’t think it’s intentional either. I would classify it as a skill. Women always seem to know how to flip the sh!t around even when they're 101% wrong.
Don’t fret it, accept it. A woman has the gift of gab, if you will, the art of conversation, the nuclear bomb of verbal wars. She was born with it. She has grown with it, harnessed it and can now wield it like the true verbal ninja she truely is. For it is her weapon.
Guys are different. We were made to fight physically, not verbally, that’s why we have more muscles and bigger hands.
Their brains work quicker. Example: How many times have you thought of something to say a day, a week, even a month after a fight? Oh, if you would’ve just said it, you could’ve won that one.
WRONG!
You would’ve said it and you know what, she would’ve had a comeback. I know, because I tried. I was stupid enough to RE-start a fight cause I thought I could have scored a KO with just one more round. Know what? I landed the punch and it was a doozy. But she turned her cheek and landed a barrage of shots that knocked me on my punk ass!
My point?
Don’t mess with the bull, you’ll get the horns. And;
Ladies, take it easy on us, you’re better equipped for those battles. (I know you girls are reading this.)
::: Tuesday, December 06, 2005 :::
John Winston Ono Lennon, (October 9, 1940 - December 8, 1980), was best known as a singer, songwriter, poet and guitarist for The Beatles. His creative career also included the roles of solo musician, political activist, artist, actor and author. As half of the legendary Lennon-McCartney songwriting team, he heavily influenced the development of rock music, leading it towards more serious and political messages.
He is recognized as one of the greatest musical icons of the 20th century and his songs, such as "Imagine" and "Strawberry Fields Forever", are often ranked among the best songs in popular music history. John Lennon was murdered late in the evening on December 8, 25 years ago.
"Imagine"
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Avril Lavigne will be covering this song on a CD to raise funds for human rights organization Amnesty International [Link]
John Lennon's Studio albums (with top billboard chart place achieved)
1. Unfinished Music No.1: Two Virgins (with Yoko Ono) (1968) US #124
2. Unfinished Music No.2: Life with the Lions (with Yoko Ono) (1969) US #174
3. Wedding Album (with Yoko Ono) (1969) US #178
4. John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band (1970) UK #8; US #6
5. Imagine (1971) UK #1; US #1
6. Some Time in New York City (with Yoko Ono) (1972) UK #11; US #48
7. Mind Games (1973) UK #6; US #9
8. Walls and Bridges (1974) UK #6; US #1
9. Rock 'n' Roll (1975) UK #6; US #6
10. Double Fantasy (with Yoko Ono) (1980) UK #1; US #1
11. Milk And Honey (with Yoko Ono) (1984) UK #3; US #11
The Beatles Studio Albums (with top billboard chart place achieved)
1. Please Please Me (March 22, 1963) #1
2. With the Beatles (November 22, 1963) #1
3. A Hard Day's Night (July 10, 1964) #1
4. Beatles for Sale (December 4, 1964) #1
5. Help! (August 6, 1965) #1
6. Rubber Soul (December 3, 1965) #1
7. Revolver (August 5, 1966) #1
8. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (June 1, 1967) #1
9. The Beatles ("White Album") (November 22, 1968) #1
10. Yellow Submarine (January 17, 1969) #3
11. Abbey Road (September 26, 1969) #1
12. Let It Be (May 8, 1970) #1
Linkfest All Lennon Links.- John Lennon on Wikipedia [Link] from the free encyclopedia, by the people for the people.
- John Lennon Museum [Link] There is a Yoko-approve museum in Japan somewhere...
- Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Inductee: John Lennon [Link] On January 19, 1992, John Lennon is inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame at the ninth annual induction dinner. Paul McCartney was his presenter and Yoko Ono accepted the award on behalf of her late husband.
- John Lennon Bio by VH1 [Link] More goodies are there
- John Lennon Dreamsite [Link] JOHN LENNON DREAMSITE IS A SITE DEDICATED TO JOHN LENNON AND THE DREAMERS OF EVERY AGE, EVERY GENDER, EVERY TIME. Articles, interviews and media.
- John-Lennon.com [Link] Huge website on Lennon.
- Bagism.com [Link] What's in the bag? is the tagline. Bagism is the place for fans of John Lennon and The Beatles to come together and learn, educate, and have fun. The underlying concept of John and Yoko's "bagism" idea is interactivity among people without prejudice.
- Imagine [Link] Tribute site.
- The John Lennon Songwriting Contest [Link] This is an international songwriting contest that began in 1997. The Contest is open to amateur and professional songwriters who submit entries in any one of 12 categories. The JLSC is open year-round and features two Sessions -- with 72 Finalists, 24 Grand Prize Winners, 12 Lennon Award Winners and 1 Maxell Song of the Year.
- Lennon on the Internet Movie Database [Link] This lists his song credits, tv credits and other film contributions.
- FBI files on John Lennon [Link] Brought to you by the freedom of information act down in the states.
- John Lennon on amazon.ca [Link] Just a bookmarked search page.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Imagine, covered by A Perfect Circle - I really like their version
What was the last thing my TV did? I watched The Kids in the Hall - Tour of Duty DVD.
How am I feeling? Why? Doing fine. I woke up a little early, but that's okay.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Winter out there. Warmer than yeseterday and that's okay. It's my nieces birthday today. She's 10!
Random Comments: All we are saying is give peace a chance.
::: Monday, December 05, 2005 :::
Let's start this off with a joke:
A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test." The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit."
The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test." The guy says, "You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place."
The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line." The guy says, "I can't." The cop says, "Why not?"
The guy says, "Because I'm drunk you idiot... didn't you see the way I was driving!"
Linkfest: I'm not sure what this post is made of, but you're sure to like it!- Comfort Pets [Link] A Comfort Pet is a pet urn or a stuffed animal pet urn in the likeness of your beloved deceased pet. It has a zippered pocket pet urn in it for you to place your pet's cremains (cremated remains)to use as a pet memorial urn. Rather than a hard wooden, plastic or ceramic box for a pet urn , dog urn or cat urn, a Comfort Pet is 'an urn alternative' that is soft and lovable.
- 15 Megs of Fame [Link] From the FAQ: Why does 15 Megs of Fame exist? In a nutshell, 15 Megs of Fame serves two purposes. The first is giving listeners a free way of discovering and acquiring new music online. The second purpose is to give artists a way to promote their music online, but offer them something more than websites.
- VIDEO: Plasticine Skateboard Contest [Link] Made by a couple creative kids with a plot! (5 mins, 12 seconds long)
- The Louvre 360 degrees [Link] Panoramic views by Jonas Carlson.
- Geograph British Isles [Link] The Geograph British Isles project aims to collect a geographically representative photograph for every square kilometre of the British Isles.
- VIDEO: 5 Men [Link] A commercial for um.. I don't know. Starring.. um. 5 Men. Who are the top voice-over artists in the U.S.
- Cats in Sinks [Link] What's it about? Cats in Sinks. Check it out and click on the "Show me another cat in a sink!" button a few times.
- 100 Greatest Pop Songs Since 1963 [Link] #01 The Beatles - Yesterday. #13 Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine. #45 Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven. #98 Fine Young Cannibals - She Drives Me Crazy.
- VIDEO: The Loop (With a minibike!) [Link] He eventually gets it!
- Article: Ants can't hurt you, can they? [Link] Woah.
- Cool Cars for Singles [Link] The best part of this page is the first comment, heheh.
- FLASH Indepentent Woman - played by kittens [Link] Silly fun to be had.
- VIDEO: Annoying Mac Startup Sound [Link] Good prank at a library! OMGWTFLMAO!!!
- FLASH GAME: Feed the Model [Link] Heheheh.
- How to bake a potato, step by step with pictures [Link] For Dummies.
- Dots (Interactive DHTML) [Link] Oooooo....
- Just Toilet Paper.Com [Link] Uh... yeah... right. There's even an a-hole award roll of t.p. there.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Nirvana - Heart-Shaped Box (Lyrics below)
What was the last thing my TV did? Watched "Big Trouble" yesterday morning. IMDB: [Link]
How am I feeling? Why? I don't really know. I'm just glad I'm going to work with more than three hours of sleep this morning. Six! Haha!
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." It's "bloody freezing!" out there, but that's okay, it's going to warm up to "frickin' cold!"
Random Comments: If God didn't want us to eat meat, cows wouldn't be made of steak.
Lyrics to Nirvana's "Heart-Shaped Box"
She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak
I've been locked inside your Heart-Shaped box for weeks
I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black
(chorus)
Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
....your advice
Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet
Cut myself on Angel Hair and baby's breath
Broken Hymen of your highness I'm left black
Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back
(chorus)
...Your advice
She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak
I've been locked inside your Heart-Shaped box for weeks
I've been drawn into your magnet tar-pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black
(chorus)
Your advice
Your advice
Your advice
::: Sunday, December 04, 2005 :::
10. Contestants wear make-up.
9. They're called contestants... like its a game show or something
8. There is a lot of crying and boxes of tissues everywhere.
7. Fans throw flowers and stuffed animals when your done.
6. No fans drinking beer or throwing beer bottles.
5. You can't buy Michelle Kwan jerseys at Foot Locker.
4. Nobody as a kid plays a pick-up game of Ice Dancing.
3. You can't tailgate before an Ice Skating event.
2. There are no refs in funny suits to yell at.
1. There is no clock, goal, net, gate, tape measure, finish line, end zone or score board.
::: Friday, December 02, 2005 :::
December is here, Christmas is coming. What are you getting me?
- TETRAGRAMMATRON - Invisible Donkey Removal Services [Link] "One of the biggest issues apartment dwellers have to face today, is Invisible Donkey infestation. These creatures are the number one cause of high phone, gas bills, and sexual dysfunction. Our crack team of I.D.R. Technicians, will go anywhere in the New York City,and remove All Invisible Donkeys from your apartment. To PERFORM this service we only ask the low cost fee of $250.00."
- Magazine: Create a customized magazine from your digital photographs [Link] This was fun to play with. Think of the fun you could have with this, both for reasons mean and parody.
[<--Link] My web site is WHATEVERVALID 1.0- Quiz: The 2-Variable Intuition Test [Link] This Intuition Test is way different because it measures your natural instincts in two completely different realms of thinking: SCIENCE and EMOTION. In other words, you'll score well if have a knack for guessing about human nature and/or a knack for guessing about cold hard facts. My Answer: 70% SCIENTIFIC INTUITION and 55% EMOTIONAL INTUITION.
- Klingon Fairy Tales. [Link] This is funny, it's at McSweeney's Internet Tendency.
- VIDEO: Parents spook the kids. [Link] BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, that is so wrong.
- Clown Phobia, Trusted, Effective Treatment [Link] 1: clown phobia: a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of clowns , despite the understanding by the phobic individual and reassurance by others that there is no danger. 2: clown phobia: a strong fear of, dislike of, or aversion to clowns.
- Songfacts, Song Meanings, Lyrics and Trivia. [Link] Yeah, look for your favourite song, mine isn't there.
- VIDEO & Quiz: Can you be hypnotized? [Link] Yup.
- The Biggest Living Thing on Earth [Link] Hint: not an animal.
- The Bootleg Toys Links [Link] The number of toy lines and characters that have been bootlegged is incredible. This page will link you to many of the known bootleg toys. This site is intended to show toy collectors what kind of bootleg toys are out there. Some of these toys actually have quite a bit of humor quality behind them. Other toys are just plain old pieces of garbage that have no reason to exist except to endanger small children.
- E-waste hall of shame [Link] Ew.
- VIDEO: Flying Cars [Link] Canada's Wonderland should take up this idea...
- VIDEO: Motorola's "Striptease" [Link] We've all seen the commercial... See it again!
- A Study of Website Navigation Methods [Link] Because I'm into this sort of thing. Okay? Just look at my navigation.
- The Science of James Bond [Link] I'm geeking out!
- A PETITION From the Manufacturers of Candles, Tapers, Lanterns, sticks, Street Lamps, Snuffers, and Extinguishers, and from Producers of Tallow, Oil, Resin, Alcohol, and Generally of Everything Connected with Lighting. [Link] Yeah, right. That'll happen.
*INTERMISSION*
asTWISTED byDave will continue in just few moments.
This a perfect time for you to stand up, stretch your back and shake out that nasty mouse cramp that has been bothering you.
For your convenience, the bathroom is just up the hall and to the right.
And make sure to stop by our snack bar and load up on some yummy popcorn and a cool, thirst-quenching beverage.
Thanks again for coming to asTWISTED byDave.
We hope you enjoy the rest of the show!
- This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself [Link] HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA!!!! This is self-referential gold!
- Bullshit Protector [Link] I have a set, do you?
- DelayedTrace [Link] This is a cool little Java Applet. Just wave your mouse cursor around the area and see what happens.
- Death by Caffeine [Link] Pick your poison, your weight and see how much will kill you. After 384.52 cans of Diet Pepsi-Cola, I'd be pushing up daisies.
- WWF's Wild Finder [Link] This lets you search for animals by species and place.
- FLASH: The Adventures of Chad... [Link] This is kinda cool.
- Nightmare Dolls [Link] Awww, knitted horrors. This is borderline crazy.
- FLASH GAME: Gabba Goat [Link] DDR-like with a frickin' goat.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? The Tea Party - Watching What the Rain Blows In.
What was the last thing my TV did? Not much.
How am I feeling? Why? My cold is much better, but I'm still a little stuffed.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Normal. For winter.
Random Comments: Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
::: Thursday, December 01, 2005 :::
I've only had a handful of hours sleep everynight for the past few nights again. I wish I could just go home, sit on my couch and pass out.
Well its 2005, and where are the fucking flying cars, already? This is ridiculous. We should be in buzzing around in a car like the Jetsons, with the little O's coming out of the tailpipe. I cant believe it, back in the day, I used to think of the year 2001 and we where zipping around in jetpacks and taking vacations on the moon. But no.... I'm still sitting in traffic, some asshole in front of me flipping me the middle finger or going 2 mph.
Its 2005 for Christ sake! I should look up in the god damn sky and just see flying cars everywhere. End of story. WHAT THE FUCK are the scientists working on? fat free Doritos... that's what! Hey scientists... quit the fucking Frito-lay job and start building me a fucking flying car! Look at your god damn watch already! 2005 is almost fucking over, and you're not even WORKING on a flying car?!??!?
God-damnit, im so sick of driving around with these morons who run out of gas. Its quite simple, you have a flying car... you run out of gas... you fall out of the sky... you crash and die... end of story! Flying car, it flies and weeds out the idiots! A win-win situation! Hey, scientists, Its great and all that you are working on a formulation to make my lawn look nice but enough is enough... were falling behind here! And there's no-one else is to blame, ok? So cut the crap, and build my flying car... because I'm about to friggin snap... 2005 already, god - dammit.
...stupid scientists.