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asTWISTED byDave: January 2005
::: Monday, January 31, 2005 :::

This Week.
January 31 - Child Labor Day
February 1 - Serpent Day
February 2 - Ground Hog Day
February 3 - The Day the Music Died
February 4 - Thank a Mailman Day
February 5 - National Weatherman's Day
February 6 - Lame Duck Day
::: "This Week." posted by Spook at 7:43 PM | :::

::: Sunday, January 30, 2005 :::

New reasons to leave Twisted
I added a bunch of new EXITS this afternoon:

Aboriginal Blogs
...do we all just hum along?
RezBlog
Sonya's Blog
Sarcastic Life
AbelThoughts
The Chronicles of Nason
From the book of Nadleeh
Nativeagle
Beats Per Minute
The After Dark Project
allanceson [dot] blogspot [dot] com
Less than Zero
Native Cat
indngirl1970 - gathering reverie
A home for my writing
Far From the Rez!
Lakota Pixel
Those sweet words
I've found where my bear heart burrows and dreams
Incoherent Musings...
The Science of Me
chimEra / saaniidotcom

Aboriginal Websites
DJ Alyssa Divine
PinonNutt
:: hogan ::

General Websites
Tequila Mockingbird
::: "New reasons to leave Twisted" posted by Spook at 2:24 PM | :::


I'm not just the solution...
I'm also part of the problem!

Man, this cold has been giving me the weirdest dreams. I can't tell if they're movies I've seen or if they're events that happened. Especially in the waking daze the feeling of "when did that happen?" is the strongest. And then I clear my head. The dreams sometimes repeat themselves, modifying itself just enough that it makes it freaky. I've had one nightmare that begins with me trying to save people in a concrete maze, but with horrendous animal monster chimeras and the undead trying to find and kill us. Although those dreams repeat, their endings are always different, how I get to one spot is different of how I get a task done is different. Other times it's just complete insanity and nothing makes sense. The waking daze is always different and sometimes I'm laughing, but otherwise its all just weird.

Today's Horoscope: Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You may find yourself at war with someone today, dear Libra. Perhaps it is an emotional war. Either way, tension may be high and it seems as if this person is thinking about nothing but themselves. Give the situation time to cool down before you say anything rash and hurtful. At the same time, however, make sure that you are expressing your emotions and giving voice to your heart. A situation has cropped up in which you need to apply a bit of balance to your life in order to remedy the problem. Heed these lessons.

Linkfest GENERATORS!!! (Links followed by my answers, or an explanation)My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Neurotic Outsiders "Feelings Are Good"
What was the last thing my TV did? Played Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
How am I feeling? Why? Not sure. I always feel good in the mornings, but as the day goes on I get worse.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." I don't know, I'm not even going to look outside today.
::: "I'm not just the solution..." posted by Spook at 11:48 AM | :::

::: Saturday, January 29, 2005 :::

Phlegm Is Mine Enemy
The war wages on and luckily it's not a bloody battle, but I still don't seem to be getting much better. I'm going back to bed after this post. It really sucks going into a coughing fit and hacking a plegm-ball at the wall or onto my keyboard. I've cleaned this thing about a dozen times in the past week. I know that's gross, but no other subject matter comes to mind, so screw you and screw the world. Oh yeah, I've been surfing still

LinkfestMy Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? The Tea Party - Stargazer
What was the last thing my TV did? Played some Playstation demos... Sly 2 is fun.
How am I feeling? Why? *wretch*
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Annoyingly good while I'm stuck inside.
::: "Phlegm Is Mine Enemy" posted by Spook at 2:39 PM | :::

::: Thursday, January 27, 2005 :::

Joke: Two Blind Pilots
E-mailed to me by Trev, thanks bud.

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off. The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one blind pilot turns to the other and says, "You know, Joe, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
::: "Joke: Two Blind Pilots" posted by Spook at 1:53 PM | :::

::: Wednesday, January 26, 2005 :::

Atom Smasher's Error Message Generator
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

[Link]

::: "Atom Smasher's Error Message Generator" posted by Spook at 10:07 PM | :::


Bloggers don't byte.
But we DO nybble.

LinkfestMy Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Metallica - One, off of their S&M Album.
What was the last thing my TV did? Nothing yet today.
How am I feeling? Why? Recovering slowly.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Cold as a bitch.

A friend answered this one, thanks C:


My pirate name is:


Dirty Ethel Bonney



You're the pirate everyone else wants to throw in the ocean -- not to get rid of you, you understand; just to get rid of the smell. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

::: "Bloggers don't byte." posted by Spook at 9:57 PM | :::


Practice Safe Lunch
Use a condiment!

Lowbrow Moment:

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. And then the game is "find the eye."

My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? 54*40 - Ocean Pearl
What was the last thing my TV did? I watched Sky Captain and the World of Tommorrow on DVD. I laughed at the ending... Lens cap... *gradual look of horror*
How am I feeling? Why? *WRETCH* Get away from me. I'm still mad, but don't take it personally because I'm mad at everything, everyone past, present and future.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." As cold as a woman's shoulder when a man is forced to sleep on the couch.

Bitch!
::: "Practice Safe Lunch" posted by Spook at 1:14 PM | :::

::: Tuesday, January 25, 2005 :::

Without ME
Then it's just AWESO!

Days of the week. (I really should start doing these on Mondays)

January 25 - Opposite Day
January 26 - Spouse's Day
January 27 - Punch the Clock Day
January 28 - National Kazoo Day
January 29 - National Cornchip Day
January 30 - National Inane Answering Message Day

Lowbrow Moment: (Remember, I'm just stealing these)
Her: So, umm... what do you do for fun?

Me: Anything addictive, but not immediately fatal.

My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Amorphis - Better Unborn
What was the last thing my TV did? I finally bought all the properties in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas last night, my status us 74.87% completion.
How am I feeling? Why? Still sick, but I'm going into work today.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Agreeable. It's warm and will actually get colder as the day goes on.

Lyrics to Better Unborn:

Better it would be for me
And better it would have been
Had I not been born, not grown
Not been brought into the world
Not had to come to this earth
Not been suckled for the world

(I'd rather die, I'd rather be
better unborn)

If I'd died a three-night-old
Been lost in my swadding band
I'd have needed but a span of cloth
A span more of wood,
But a cubit of good earth
Two words from the priest
Three verses from the cantor
One clang from the bell
::: "Without ME" posted by Spook at 7:51 AM | :::

::: Monday, January 24, 2005 :::

It's January 24
And according to one expert, it's the worst day of the year.

He settled on January 24 after using an elaborate formula expressing the delicate interplay of lousy weather, post-Christmas debt, time elapsed since yuletide indulgence, failed new year resolutions, motivation levels, and the desperate need to have something to look forward to. Drivers are also angrier with each other. They call it "winter driver's disorder" I think.

What about me?

I took the day off from work because of this stupid cold. I'm staying home in spite of the world. I'm kind of pissed off and frustrated at everyone and everything, but not for any particular reason. I told you, I'm quite frustrated. Once I get going, it's hard to stop, I'm sure you can empathize.

I owe, I owe, so off to work I go. Tommorrow.

In the meantime, I'm going to spend as much time in my chair, on the couch or sprawled across my bed in a manner much like having been shot. It helps me breathe with this chest congestion.
::: "It's January 24" posted by Spook at 5:23 PM | :::

::: Sunday, January 23, 2005 :::

Two Lowbrow Moments
One

There's no agony quite like totally beleiving something that you know cannot possibly be true in any plastic sense of the word.

Currently, the entire weight of my intellect is a brick on the brake pedal of my psychosis, and the brakes are burning out.

Was it real? Or wasn't it?

Two

trailer ritwo lane blacktop i passed a slow ass truck going 45 in a 60 at at least 70 and there was a one ton truck with a ght turning into the oncoming lane that i did not see so i swerves twice tires screeching fishtailing barely kept it on the road and I did not stop whistling my nonsense extemporaneous tune the whole time
::: "Two Lowbrow Moments" posted by Spook at 10:31 AM | :::

::: Saturday, January 22, 2005 :::

IRC Moments
I haven't posted any of these in a while, but they're chat logs of chat sessions. I'm an addict so.... whatever. I'm Dv, GamerT is another guy in the channel, QueenB is a woman in there and PartyBot is a bot, a scripted program that monitors the channel and sometimes acts up, like in this instance:

[16:55] * Dv lays down with his head in QueenB's lap
[16:56] GamerT> heh
[16:56] * QueenB says 'Hey, while ur down there mm...'
[16:57] Dv> anything.
[16:57] QueenB> lol
[16:57] Dv> :D heheheh
[16:58] * Dahvied turns facedown
[16:58] Dv> *snicker*
[16:59] Partybot> *crunchie*
[16:59] Dv> EEEWW Partybot!!!
[16:59] Dv> BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD! BAD TIMING!!!
[16:59] QueenB> lol
[16:59] QueenB> nasty bot
[16:59] Dv> no kidding
[17:00] GamerT> HAW
[17:00] Dv> owned by the bot... F***...
[17:00] GamerT> heh
[17:00] * Dv hangs his head in shame
[17:00] Dv> lmao
[17:00] GamerT> and Partybot claims another victim
::: "IRC Moments" posted by Spook at 5:01 PM | :::


911 Call

I am nerdier than 46% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang...I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang......

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the police. So don't send them.

Linkfest: Let's have some fun today, okay?David Morris (as of January 22) ranks the...
* 249th most sexy
* 3141st most popular
...out of the 7924 celebrities on Celebrity Ranker.

My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Limp Bizkit's Nookie on EnergyRadio.FM
What was the last thing my TV did? Watched Anacondas
How am I feeling? Why? My cough still annoys. The stupid clinic can't take me until the 31st.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Sunny, but with a thick blanket of snow covering, well, everything.
::: "911 Call" posted by Spook at 1:46 PM | :::

::: Friday, January 21, 2005 :::

Quizzes
Here's something to do today after you're done work, but before you leave.

What time would that be? 2:00 p.m.?


Let me evaluate your nerdliness...

Astereotypical nerd

You are a nerd--that is, an intelligent-yet-socially inept and unpopular individual who exhibits excessive interest in normally mundane, oscure, trivial, and/or otherwise unpopular pursuits--whose physical appearance and/or mannerisms are not stereotypically nerdy.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.



modbrits
You are a Mod. Yeah baby.


What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

::: "Quizzes" posted by Spook at 11:00 AM | :::

::: Thursday, January 20, 2005 :::

Analogies and metaphors
These came from the annual "Dark and Stormy Night" competition. Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20.. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it.
::: "Analogies and metaphors" posted by Spook at 7:59 AM | :::

::: Wednesday, January 19, 2005 :::

sLINKy FESTivities.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Onair-Radio.com's Classics internet radio channel
What was the last thing my TV did? Not much.
How am I feeling? Why? I can't wait for my new hard drive to come in, also a new webcam and a pack of 100 DVD-Rs. I just have to wait until tommorrow... That's why I'm dumping all my bookmarks worth posting on this one today.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Not bugging me. It was actually quite pleasant out, mind you I didn't stay out there very long.
::: "sLINKy FESTivities." posted by Spook at 8:42 PM | :::


Penguin Awareness Day
January 19 is Penguin Awareness Day
January 18 (yesterday) was Winnie the Pooh Day
January 20 - National Buttercrunch Day
January 21 - National Hugging Day
January 22 - Celebration of Life Day
January 23 - Measure Your Feet Day

Do us all a favour, research penguins today and find someone to hug on Friday.

"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say." - Will Durant

My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Internet Radio, forget what it's called but it's starting to annoying, I'm going to change it.
What was the last thing my TV did? I played Rez last night, a Playstation 2 game. It's kinda trippy.
How am I feeling? Why? Still sick, but slowly getting better. I should just stay home from work for a couple days. Maybe tommorrow and Friday.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Alright, coldish again with some of that usual windchill. THIS IS GONNA SUCK!!!

Blonde Joke (sorry, but this is a golden oldie)

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs! "One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
::: "Penguin Awareness Day" posted by Spook at 8:03 AM | :::

::: Tuesday, January 18, 2005 :::

Horrible thoughts I've had while surfing the web

My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Temple of the Dog - Call Me a Dog, which followed All Night Thing.
What was the last thing my TV did? I watched The Manchurian Candidate last night
What was the last person/thing you complimented/complained about? My yahoo friend's text-cuddling&snuggling. She's good.
How am I feeling? Why? Slowly getting better. Mind you, I'm on strong drugs now.
Website Reco? A New York Escorts Confessions [Link] I'll be adding her (alexa) to my _exits page, I'm also going to be redoing the setup there, do accomodate more link exchanges.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." It is finally warm. After -40 degrees celcius weather with hell-freezing gusts, we've finally got some -15C (5F)weather with warm winds of -25C. (-13F)
::: "Horrible thoughts I've had while surfing the web" posted by Spook at 10:25 AM | :::

::: Sunday, January 16, 2005 :::

A good way to kill a weekend.
So my buddy had this idea to invite over a bunch of his friends and watch stoner movies all weekend. I thought the idea merited more discussion so I jumped on the band wagon and we discussed who to invite and what movies to watch.

Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle [Link] (We got the idea while we were watching this movie, so it gets credit for artistic inspiration and is include by merit alone. Also we would invite Kumar if he were real)
Office Space [Link] (Just because this movie rocks)
Dazed And Confused [Link] (How can you NOT say this is a stoner movie?
National Lampoon's Senoir Trip [Link] (The look on that one student with the stoner eyes is just hilarious)
Half Baked [Link] (100% stoner movie)
Beavis And Butthead Do America [Link] (Dead brains deserve good company like these two teenagers)

Right around there, the beers we had consumed were too much for us to recall more movies, but I've been thinking a little more. Here's a few more suggestions of mine.

The Boondock Saints [Link] (Just because this movie is 100% testoserone fueled. It's got flashy cliches, lame dialogue and the best stolen flashback shootout scene EVAR!)
Jackass The Movie, maybe some episode DVDs [Link] (Why not? We would need something to go "duuuuuuude that must have HURT" to)
Super Troopers [Link] (Broken Lizard's comedic tantrum, I also think that Geoffrey Arend is the funniest looking guy.)
Dodgeball [Link] (Seeing Justin Long get whacked repeatedly, Stephen Root hit by two cars and Christine Taylor in a dom suit would put a nice big stupid grin across my face and probably cause uncontrollable laughter. Which is always fun.)

Of course, after the movies, we'd kill the rest of the night at the club playing pool. Leave any other movie suggestions in comments.
::: "A good way to kill a weekend." posted by Spook at 4:36 PM | :::


I should start naming my blog posts
No, not like giving it a title like I do now, but giving it an real name. Something I could register as a birth. What the... this medication I'm on is screwing with my head. ROTLMFAO!!!!

This cough is annoying me so much, I've resorted to taking hyrdo.. do.. cone? hycra... hy.. Nevermind.

My computer has high cholesterol... too much spam and cookies... HAHAHAHA

Loopiness rocks.

I love doing this stream of thought think.

Thing.

Thoughts... hehehehe... *cough*

damn.

What a lowbrow moment.

One of my e-mail based contributors asked me for a raise. I told him...

If I give you a raise, you will spend more money. If you spend more money it will strengthen. If the economy gets stronger I will hire more people. If I hire more people one of them might turn out to be an idiot who bankrupts my blog. That's why I can't give you a raise. Or any credit.

Beh..

I work 5 minutes then take a 30 minute break. But when I work, I work very, very hard.

I accepted another email contributor last night... this morning... I got to sleep at 6 in the morning again. I told her welcome aboard. I'll send you a post template and one of the gang will email you to tell you that you suck.

Oh yeah... if you've already sent me my payment. please accept my apology for the death threat and warm wishes for his new year.

My small group of contributors are like family. I want someone to help me edit, but I can't decide whether to accept a co-editor or a nanny.

I remember in grade school we did a play about the princess kissing the prince frog. I was the frog. I liked it. that play was the main reason I took drama class in high school. But that frog role was da bomb. Nothing to do cept sit there, eat flies, say ribbit and kiss a hot girl then chill out backstage for the rest of the play.

If a vegetarian diet is good for losing weight, why do they use grain to fatten pigs and cows?

I have a vegetarian diet. Pigs, chickens and cows were vegetarians, weren't they?

That reminds me. I gotta get that new contributor her vaccines for influenza, inertia, pessimism, disloyalty and ennui.

Ennui ROOLZ

I also gotta tell her that the dental plan is to sweeten her coffee with toothpaste instead of sugar.

I gotta vaccuum the carpet in my room. I think my sweater is shedding or there's a dog in here that I don't know about.

I miss having a dog.. but they messed up carpets so much. You can either have a nice carpet or a dog. But carpets don't lick your face and try to play when I've have a bad day.

I try not to check my e-mail at work otherwise I'd only have time for my morning coffee and deleting spam.

My blog heirarchy is based on lasagna. That's why I have my contributors call me The Big Cheese.

Yeah, I'm a Garfield fan.

Ribbit.

I should change my home phone number to a 900 number so I won't mind when telemarketers call me.

You know you have a bad personality when you swallow your pride and it gives you food poisoning.

Work really needs to adjust their dress code to facilitate greater diversity. I should suggest star wars costumes to be include.

Luke... I am your half-brother's cousin's friend's father's coworker's roommate...

I think I'm under a lot of stress. I think I have six different heartbeats.

I think my cousin's newborn baby is ready to start using the computer. She just said "google"

Goo goo.

Get it?

Ah, forget it.

I need to send my contributors to acting classes to teach them how to fake being impressed by my brilliance.

Contributor of the month doesn't really motivate my group anymore. I should start a scapegoat of the month award.

If someone were to invent an easy way to arrange a garden salad, fresh fruit and tofu to look like a burger and fries it would be much easier to stick to a veggie diet.

"If you're losing patience with our endless automated telephone system and need to run outside to scream, press 44. If you're feeling better now and wish to continue, press 45...."

More and more people have high blood pressure these days. That's because doctors keep changing what "normal" blood pressure is.

I still believe that the stock market goes up when investors are in a good mood. The stock exchanges should include a free prescription of prozac for every client.

I think I'll name this post L'il Drugged out homeboy. This Hyrdaconedo stuff works. However you spell it.

Power Lunch: salad with coffee dressing, veggie burger made from coffee beans, diced potatoes boiled in coffee, coffee ice cream topped with a rich coffee sauce, and a tall jug of coffee to wash it all down.

Power Breakfast: A cup of coffee to go and a reminder that your competition may already be at their desks.

You too can live a perfectly normal life once you accept that your life will never be perfectly normal.

I remember working up in the rez, being a stock boy. When i was asked to fill in for the assistant manager (those two were always taking time off, which meant i was usually left in charge of a lot of things. go figure) i was also asked if I had any management experience. Of course, it was a required question, but I was only 13 and they were almost bursting with laughter while asking me. With my most serious face I said "I have over a decade of experience telling my parents what to do and getting spectacular results almost 100% of the time." Between the three slackers and the four other people with too much to do already at that point, guess who got the responsibility? At least it came with a marginal raise.

After that, I could afford to spend more money on my addiction of choice at the time.

Don't ask.

Ribbit.

I should become a public speaker. I hear those people make a nice chunk of change if you can sell ideas well. "My presentation is called 'how to overcome your fear of public speaking.' You can't. The end. Go home." All that, and I'll get paid $75.00 for every session of a group of people. I could do fifty sessions a day for a week and spend the rest of the year doing... other high-income activities that support my current addiction of choice.

I thought opportunity was knocking, but it was the hand of fate giving me a noogie.

Office romances are so distracting. I could spend an entire morning trying to e-mail a hickey.

Procrastinating? I'm not procrastinating. I'm proactively delaying the plementation of the energy-intensive phase of my project until the enthusiasm factor is at its maximum effectiveness.

airport security: I'm sorry we don't allow laptops on the aircraft, the cursor has a sharp point that can be used as a weapon.

if people are so concerned about their safety on the plane, airlines should have airports beef up security, but do it in ways that actually increase secuirty, not taking away women's nail files and men's hockey sticks that are shipped in cargo. They should also give teddy bears and a blankie to those wussies that whine.

one of my contributors is a whiny, needy wussy. I should create a new department for him. i think i'll call it the "keep quiet and stay out of the way department" but then i'd never get to hear his awesome rants.

My terms are net 30 days. if you don't pay me in 30 days, i come after you with a net.

The world was fine and economies were strong four years ago. it seems that there is no one to blame, but i found a group of people to blame: four year olds. everything was fine until they came along.

i'm an expert multitasker. i can digest food, grow hair, circulate blood, repair cells, make saliva, breathe, blink, walk, talk, listen to music, bop my head to the beat and make this blog post all at the same time.

I think some women need monkey hormones to help with their menopause. it won't stop it, but climbing trees will take their minds off the symptoms

lazy doctor says: follow every word from every medical expert in tv, magazines, news, books, tapes, radio and seminars.. that should fix whatever you have.

unless it's an axe in your head, in which case, let me get that for you.

If we're encouraged to learn from our mistakes, shouldn't some people be paid to make mistakes all the time?

Encryption software is expensive, so i just rearranged all the keys on my keyboard and type normally.

Okay, the drowsiness and euphoria from this cough medicine is wearing off. Time to take a hold of the reigns that control my sanity again.





You Are a Snarky Blogger!



You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of.
And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!


What kind of blogger are you?


Linkfest time!
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Limbik Frequencies. I'm not sure about this radio station, but it's kinda surreal. The soundscapes transport me to another place and time... this cough syrup R0X4r!
What was the last thing my TV did? GTA san andreas. Lots of it.
How am I feeling? Why? Ribbit.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Aside from the sun shining, the outdoors resembles hell frozen over.

Warning: this blog post is long, but you already knew that, didn't you?
::: "I should start naming my blog posts" posted by Spook at 4:03 PM | :::


I had dream last night...
...and I don't remember what it was. I posted links to stuff about dreams about a month ago so here's some blogs of people's dreams, some may be discontinued and some you can submit to, but they're all still good reads nonetheless:Okay, that's enough. There's lots of dream blogs out there, but the top 20 pages were repetitive and it was hellish to weed out the non-dream-blogs.
::: "I had dream last night..." posted by Spook at 1:12 PM | :::

::: Saturday, January 15, 2005 :::

*COUGH!!!!*
I'm taking v3.0 for a spin...My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Dennis Leary's "No Cure For Cancer" CD. It's hilarious.
What was the last thing my TV did? Watched movies: Super Troopers, Jackass The Movie, Retro Puppet Master, X-Men and X-Men II.
How am I feeling? Why? Sick, that's why I watched so many movies from bed today.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." I hear it's freaking cold out there.
::: "*COUGH!!!!*" posted by Spook at 11:28 PM | :::

::: Friday, January 14, 2005 :::

It's ALIVE!!!
v3.0 is here. Obviously, I still have little bugs to squash, corrections to make, old content to add, new content to add, stylizations to make and stuff like that.

What do you think? Leave comments. Any feedback is probably good feedback.
::: "It's ALIVE!!!" posted by Spook at 2:26 PM | :::

::: Thursday, January 13, 2005 :::

Changes are coming
It's time again to change the look of my blog. I guess I may as well announce the fact that my new background will be... me. Yeah, I'll be putting up my ugly mug, but don't worry, I've modified it so much that no one will guess it's a picture of me. It actually looks.... good?

So I've been fighting with a new blog template, and the biggest problem is it wasn't design for archives or item pages. I've been working around the scripts in the template. Seeing as I have no design experience, I've had to figure out a way to work around it and disinclude it completely. But as I just figured it out and made other tweaks here and there I guess that's enough for today. I can figure out the rest of the details later on.

Goodnight
::: "Changes are coming" posted by Spook at 9:40 PM | :::


Psychoanalyze strangers
He Looks Like... [Link] The Morbid Game of Psychoanalyzing Strangers in Pictures. It's a sick game. We psychoanalyze people in pictures. We make up their backstories. And we have a lot of fun doing it.

I got a link exchange e-mail and a blog directory email this morning. The link exchange e-mail was obviously spam, but I sent back "which site?" anyway and bookmarked the directory, that's something I can do after work. Or at work on my break, who knows. Later!
::: "Psychoanalyze strangers" posted by Spook at 8:05 AM | :::

::: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 :::

Two Jokes
ONE

An elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,(mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

TWO

A classic!

This was supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

::: "Two Jokes" posted by Spook at 8:08 AM | :::


Libra
(born between 24th September and 23rd October):
You're feeling adventurous today and in the mood to do something impulsive, wild or crazy. Persuading a housemate or member of your family to join you means you will not have them to answer to, at the end of the day! If single, a quirky stranger has a way of making your heart race. Why is it that you need someone or something so different? Think this through, for insight.

Anyone else want me to post their horoscope on occasion?My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Evanescence's cover of Korn's Thoughtless. It rocks
What was the last thing my TV did? Played "Interview with the Vampire" I couldn't sleep much last night, even with a sedative.
How am I feeling? Why? Doing okay, but this cough is still annoying me. My runny nose is fine, but otherwise this stupid cough is getting my angry.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Warm and snowy. Lucky me, I get to have my ankles soaked on the way to work. And today's bad attitude award goes to... David Morris.
::: "Libra" posted by Spook at 8:06 AM | :::

::: Tuesday, January 11, 2005 :::

Two More
Then I'm off to sleep.

Bubble Wrap Anyone? [Link] I found bubble wrap for us to pop! You have to click, but if you check Manic Mode then just scrolling over it will pop the bubbles.

Google Fight [Link] Make a fight! Type 2 opposite keywords and see how many results Google comes up with: Examples: Michael Jordan versus Larry Bird OR God versus Satan OR Microsoft Explorer versus Netscape Navigator.

Goodnight everyone.
::: "Two More" posted by Spook at 11:03 PM | :::


Largest Demolition Derby on the Planet
Get Ready for the Largest Demolition Derby on the Planet! [Link] Scientists say Slow-Motion Collision Near Antarctic Research Station Imminent. NASA satellites have witnessed the 100-mile-long B-15A iceberg moving steadily towards the Drygalski Ice Tongue. Though the iceberg's pace has slowed in recent days, NASA scientists expect a collision to occur no later than January 15, 2005.
::: "Largest Demolition Derby on the Planet" posted by Spook at 10:42 PM | :::


net.waste
Here I sit, broken-hearted, All logged in, but work unstarted.
First net.this and net.that, And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
The boss comes by, and I play the game, Then I turn back to net.flame.
Is there a cure (I need your views), For someone trapped in net.news?
I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
::: "net.waste" posted by Spook at 7:32 AM | :::


Stuff to do, stuff to see and news.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Digitally Imported's Chill out ambient channel.
What was the last thing my TV did? Watched Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy.
How am I feeling? Why? Tired and sick. Still.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." It should be pleasant out there today.
::: "Stuff to do, stuff to see and news." posted by Spook at 6:53 AM | :::

::: Monday, January 10, 2005 :::

Housemate and roommate stories
Some of it is funny, some angering and some stupid. Brought to you by whostolemymilk.com [Link] Check out these categories: Bathrooms, Crazy Roommates, Damage, Flesh, Kitchens, Landlords, Miscellaneous, Neighbors, Parents, Pets, Practical Jokes, Relationships, Revenge and Theft. Is that not reason enough to live alone?
::: "Housemate and roommate stories" posted by Spook at 12:18 PM | :::

::: Sunday, January 09, 2005 :::

BOOM
Arr! Here be a buried treasure of booty me matey! I found these links on my friend's laptop, thanks bash! - Spook.
Okay, I'm watching Shawn of the Dead at my friend's place. Later.
::: "BOOM" posted by Spook at 7:29 PM | :::


Lowbrow Moments
Now remember, these are all found at www.lowbrow.com and I'm just stealing them - Spook.

One

A friend of mine taught his 7 year old daughter the heavy metal hand sign. She's got a precious, angelic face with big blue eyes and blond hair. She would go up to people at parties and yell "Sign of the goat!" We all just laugh and laugh...Except her mom. She doesn't think it's so funny.

Two

*Obscene Amounts* #6

So I am off of work, and my friends and I are getting some food, we get to Burger King and I asked for... And I quote "an ass load of Ketchup"...

They lady gives us 15.

At Taco bell, we ask for "a shit load of mild sauce"

They give us 25.

At McDonolds, we ask for "a fuck load of mustard packets"

They give us 34.

I am convinced that the more obscene the request the more you will recieve.

Three

Sick people love this site.

The same sick people stand next to me on the train, eat with me at the cafe, work with me at the office, and walk with me in the park.

But I love this site too...

Why don't you ever introduce yourself?
::: "Lowbrow Moments" posted by Spook at 1:28 PM | :::


The Simpsons House
Someone's just a wee bit too much obsessed with the Simpsons. [Link] They even have the family pictures hung up at the stair way, the checkered kitchen floor and the crooked sailboat picture hanging over the couch.
::: "The Simpsons House" posted by Spook at 11:25 AM | :::

::: Saturday, January 08, 2005 :::

One Liner
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Okay, enough jokes... now onto my post:
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Digitally Imported's Chillout Ambient radio channel on Winamp
What was the last thing my TV did? I watched bits and pieces of the Battlestar Galactica movie earlier.
How am I feeling? Why? I've got a cold and I need an aspirin.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Mild.
::: "One Liner" posted by Spook at 10:29 PM | :::


*blink*
I don't know what that last post was. I just wanted to see an image there again. Thanks to www.imageshack.us for hosting the pic. As for the four lines of text... well, I was up to four in the morning last night and that thought popped into my head about 3:45 so I scribbled it on a piece of paper near my keyboard. Look at that... I'm so close to 4000 unique visitors. It only took 3/4 of a year.
::: "*blink*" posted by Spook at 6:49 PM | :::


I don't mind the typing.
I teeter between tired;
and some unconscious hell.

I'm wiped and I'm wired
but I guess it's just as well.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

::: "I don't mind the typing." posted by Spook at 6:42 PM | :::

::: Wednesday, January 05, 2005 :::

HalfBakery Highlights
Most of the ideas here are pretty good, others are just dumb, especially if they're "baked" already. We'll start with some food:
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Energy Radio, an internet radio station.
What was the last thing my TV did? Played King Arthur. Kiera Knightley needs a rack. I mean, come on... Her serious lackage of rackage was easily hidden by a leather strap across her chest!
How am I feeling? Why? Kind of tired, I'm going to take a nap soon.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Clear with a light wind.
::: "HalfBakery Highlights" posted by Spook at 4:55 PM | :::


Joke
Three old guys out walking.
First one says. "Windy isn't it? "
Second one says, "No its Thursday"!!
Third one says. "So am I. Lets go get a beer".
::: "Joke" posted by Spook at 4:39 PM | :::


Chainsaw Carvings
WORLD'S LARGEST OUTLET OF CHAINSAW CARVINGS! [Link][ First discovered by lonely and bored forestry workers a long time ago, in a far away galaxy.. wait.. nevermind.
::: "Chainsaw Carvings" posted by Spook at 1:16 PM | :::

::: Tuesday, January 04, 2005 :::

Goodbye Dave Barry
Dave Barry is taking some time off from his weekly column at the Miami Herald. Personally, I've enjoyed reading his columns since 1997, when I first moved out to Thunder Bay for college. I do have a favourite column and I have it cut out and saved for my personal reference because everytime i reread it, it still cracks me up. I also have a few of his paperbacks (it's good to read authors you like, it's a way to read more books) I own both the book AND movie "Big Trouble." I also read that Dave is working on bring his book "Dave Barry's complete Guide to guys" to film. Hmm.. I don't have that book. I'm gonna go find one. I hope to see you next year Dave!
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Fear Factory - Bite the Hand That Bleeds
What was the last thing my TV did? Watched Canada win gold at the world juniors. YEAH!
How am I feeling? Why? You have to ask?
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." I don't know... I'm not going outside. I don't even want to look.
::: "Goodbye Dave Barry" posted by Spook at 10:06 PM | :::


Drunken Dialing
Slackertown [Link] These guys have a number for you to call while you're drunk. They post your call in mp3 format for you to listen to. No, I'm not there... yet.
::: "Drunken Dialing" posted by Spook at 4:28 PM | :::


DAILY BLEED
It's like "this day in history." [Link] Calendar of Eclectic Events, Radical, Labor, alternative, anarchist dates, history, underground events, biography & happenings: Public Secrets: Revealed... TIMELINE, CHRONOLOGY, DATES ON THIS DAY Literary, Art, history, labor, politics, radical, biography, baseball, sports, beats, science fiction, poetry, Sixties & Cold War.
::: "DAILY BLEED" posted by Spook at 8:07 AM | :::


Strong Bad E-Mail #121
Lappy 486 [Link] Dear Strong Bad, what do you do?
::: "Strong Bad E-Mail #121" posted by Spook at 8:00 AM | :::


Links for Tuesday
Okay, EVERYONE GET TO WORK!

Monstrous [Link] You will find here more than 500 monsters that haunt our history and culture. (Kind of like a monster encyclopedia... monstropedia?)

Cardstacker Gallery [Link] Wow, those are impressive. Page 2 is even more awesome.

Careful, the computer case gets really hot [Link]
::: "Links for Tuesday" posted by Spook at 7:57 AM | :::

::: Monday, January 03, 2005 :::

And now to my idea
Send me signs. I know I don't get much of a hit count, but who cares?

Write "As Twised by Dave," "Twisted" and/or "http://davidmorris.myknet.org" somewhere (bodyparts, on cardboard placed in precarious places or just a group picture with a sign) and I'll post it here. Even link to my page, send me the url and I'll go make a screen capture.

You can send me a chosen nickname and blur your face if you want, or I could do it. Your wish is my command.
::: "And now to my idea" posted by Spook at 11:22 AM | :::


Joke
A man goes to church one Sunday and hears a sermon about the
Ten Commandments. He has an epiphany and goes to confession.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he begins.

"Go ahead, son," the priest says.

"Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one. But
then I heard your sermon and I changed my mind."

"That's great." the priest replies. "'Thou shalt not steal'
is a powerful commandment."

"True," the man says. "But it was when you said, 'Thou shalt
not commit adultery' that I remembered where my hat was."

My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? DigitalGunfire.com's Industrial:EBM:Futurepop Internet radio station. Grendel's Construc Constriction is on right now.
What was the last thing my TV did? Movie: Soldier. It's a good late-nite movie.
How am I feeling? Why? Someone get me a Halls. Cherry flavour please.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Sunny (agreeable) and cold (no so agreeable)
::: "Joke" posted by Spook at 11:21 AM | :::

::: Sunday, January 02, 2005 :::

Lowbrow Moment (another)
There's never just one to post - Spook.

My own personal great mystery of life:

Why is it you go weeks without biting your tongue, and then do it 7 times over the course of 2 hours? Temporary Tard Syndrome.
::: "Lowbrow Moment (another)" posted by Spook at 7:51 PM | :::


Lowbrow Moment
I work in a law office. We handle personal injury clients. We get this one client, a skanky old barmaid type who had injured her knee in an auto accident. Comes time for her deposition, and I tell her to dress "nicer" than normal, "like what you might wear to church."

She shows up for the deposition in a knee length flowered skirt with ruffles at the bottom, a nondescript shirt, and a brand new Coors Light Silver Bullet jacket. I shrug, what the hell.

The attorney asking her questions gets around to her injury. "Did it leave any scars?" Yeah, she says. "Can I see it?" Sure, she says.

She hikes up her skirt well past her knees, almost to her waist. There, crudely tattooed in the middle of her right thigh is "FRESH MEAT" with an arrow pointing towards her honey hole.

We settled the case for pretty cheap.

Linkfest
::: "Lowbrow Moment" posted by Spook at 7:50 PM | :::

::: Saturday, January 01, 2005 :::

Banished Words List: 2005
By Lake Superior State University [Link]
Example: POCKETS OF RESISTANCE

Are we talking about someone not buying a round of drinks or people shooting at each other? – Rob of Crawley, West Sussex, UK.

Sounds like someone having trouble pulling their hands out of their pants pockets. – Joe Hutley, Las Vegas, NV.
::: "Banished Words List: 2005" posted by Spook at 5:25 PM | :::


Moppy Bops and Puggy Buckets
Home of the Mopster [Link] Um... cats. Everyone likes cats.
::: "Moppy Bops and Puggy Buckets" posted by Spook at 5:19 PM | :::


The Worlds First Inflatable Pub!
YEAAAEAH, BAYBAY!! [Link]
::: "The Worlds First Inflatable Pub!" posted by Spook at 5:13 PM | :::


Truth Or Fiction - email reality check
Verify stuff like "send this sick little girl a prayer" or "forward this to 10 people and disney will pay for my operation at the make a wish foundation, a nigerian banker will put ten million dollars into your bank account and her cousin who's been missing for a decade will be found at that very same bank all the cash went into"[Link] I know I laid it on a little thick, but it all just pisses me off.
::: "Truth Or Fiction - email reality check" posted by Spook at 5:08 PM | :::