What's playing? *thump* *thump* *thump* of my hangovered head.
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? Sumfin on the telly from the party. Yeah, I throw a good party: one that was visited by the cops. He was a good cop, helped me ease everybody out. Awesome dude!
What was the last thing you complained about? A cop coming to the party... and I thought my wallet was stolen, but I found it.
Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? "Thanks a lot, you've been a great help" to the police officer.
What was the last thing you threw away? I was cleaning up after the party.... cigarette packs, bottles, ashes, a broken cup, various half-eaten pieces of food, food wrappers annnnd.... a band aid. I have a scrape on my knee that I don't know how it got there. Someone come kiss it better :(
How am I feeling? Why? Drunk/Hungover... My head is still spinning and it's starting to hurt. Time for an aspirin.,
Website Reco? Are you an idiot? [Link] A quiz... It tells me I'm and idiot.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Too bright! [Link] [Link]

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(Thank Goodness It's Finally Friday!)

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back: (you may possibly even know some of these commentators....)

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said.

Linkfest Unleashing the "wrong kind on links" since Late 2003!

• Top 10 Reasons Why Beer is Better than Religion... [Link] I'm going to hell for this link...
• Guide to Lock Picking [Link] This one too.
• Virtual Crack [Link] Heck, ALL of these links so far!
• 302 Calories [Link] Make your own edible panties. (note to self, learn to knit)
• Johnny Whoop Ass Episodes [Link] These are so funny...
• Girl Fall Down! [Link] She completely disappears!
• 2000 uses for WD40 [Link] I didn't finish reading this. Post your favourite on my tagboard!

My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Digitally Imported's "Chillout" streaming music station. It plays ambient, psychilloutrippy flavours! [Link] (I just made up the word psychilloutrippy... word.)
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? I just finished Season One of Samurai Jack, with Making Of Featurette, Animation Test and Original Artwork. [Link] I liked it! I really, really LIKED IT!
What was the last thing you complained about? Not enough special features there. And Spring's lack of posting. HEY SPRING! Gitcher lil butt in gear! Someone else want to Join Twisted? Spring: [Link] Join: [Link]
Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? I didn't say it, I was too shocked at their great kindness. Or they could have been scared of me and let me go first out of fear.
What was the last thing you threw away? BURRRRRRP Dinner's wrapper. I gotta do dishes soon.
How am I feeling? Why? BURRRRRP Good. Content. Dave full.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Um.... I got all the shades closed so I don't know but it was nice earlier. [Link] [Link]

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Three of them this time... with a longer one at the end too! - D.


LOWBROW MOMENT: ONE

Made this woman jump off a cable car in SF once by using my psychic powers.

We were going down this steep hil, and she wanted to get off. Despite all the signs saying "DON'T get off the car while it's in motion", I told her to jump. (After all, who's gonna listen to a punk in a pinned-up leather jacket?)

She did.

And cracked her head on the street.

She got up, really pissed off, and the conductor had a laugh at her.

I'm just glad we weren't on the Golden Gate Bridge.


LOWBROW MOMENT: TWO

A Cheetah is the fastest animal on land

Okay, I'll buy that.

There are over 250,000,000 americans today.

Okay, I'll buy that.

A Computer can perform billions of operations a second.

Okay, I'll buy that.

"Careful sir, the plate's hot."

Let me investigate this one myself.


LOWBROW MOMENT :THREE

Ken Kesey's Best Story

(paraphrased from the greatest novel ever written: "Sometimes A Great Notion")

Young kid gets his own bluetick hound from his dad, and is really proud of it.

Another fox-runner challenges his dad to a hunt, so he invites his son along.

They put dad's dogs in the back of the truck, but the boy's bitch is in heat, so he sits with her on his lap.

When they get to the farm having the fox problem, the challenger is already there with his dogs. He notices the special treatment the bitch is getting, and starts jawing.

Kid gets pissed, and his dad stands up for him. So money gets bet.

They set all the dogs off, get in their trucks, and chase after them. They've obviously picked up the scent immediately.

Up the valley, back down the valley.

They stop back at the farm, where the old farmer is leaning on a post.

Dad: "Did you see them?"

Farmer: "Yup, right that way."

Kid can't resist: "Is my bitch leading the pack?"

Farmer: "Sure is."

Challenger: "Damn! How's my best hound doing?"

Farmer: "Oh, he's running a close second, right in front of the fox..."

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It's horrible! [Link]

(One for you "touchy-feely" kinda people out there. - D.)

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Embarrassing Moments Contest

Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Strip Mall
My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers.

Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!

Priceless
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Mom's Advice
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

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