The most exciting phrase to hear in science,
n00b! [Link] (JK Deaf! Peace!) But this guy has an awesome blog radio happening.
There's this thing happening next week at the BlueBerry Festival. [Link] It's kind of a draw, in fact it IS a draw. It's called "Blueberry Tumble and Race." You see, people buy one or more of a thousand numbered "blueberries" (which are golf balls painted blue) for ten bucks each and come draw time, the golf balls are all tossed into cement mixer truck and then they're dumped down a ramp and a series of troughs. The first 15 numbered balls to reach the troughs win the various donated prizes.
I don't know about you, but I think it reeks of "small town" stench.
In other news... there's a list of events on that page. There's 90 events happening, so it should be quite fun here in Sioux Lookout [Link] for the next week or so.
Linkfest
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Enter The Matrix on my PS2 [Link]
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? The Warriors [Link] An old 70's gang movie about a gang (that warriors) being framed for a murder and having to fight their way home.
What was the last thing you complained about? Nothing much today... I turned a corner, bumped my shoulder, lost my balance for a second, regained it and I guess my complaint would be me elbowing the wall as punishment for it causing me to lose my balance.
What was the last thing you threw away? Dinner scraps. Bones from baked chicken. Shake and bake! [Link]
How am I feeling? Why? Good, good.... no reason. Just been an okay day. HEY! I've been posting a lot this week! Cool!
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Outside. [Link] [Link] (#1 smartass!)
"Welcome to: Sioux lookout, Ont.." [Link]
As done by Icon Village. [Link] (This also works [Link] Heheh, they have a dot com address pointing to a subdirectory on execulink) A pretty good page, too bad it's not current. (Lynn's Cafe is still listed, and she sold that to Neil, who shut it down earlier this year) They also have a page that gives job offers, so if you're bored and wish for "unlimited growth opportunities" (HAHAH) How many employees (or associates, whatever) do they have? Two. They did a good job for 4250 Canadian cities online. They definitely do not update often... why do I konw? The Stanley Cup results are still posted as current. Damn, I don't need the reminder... GO FLAMES IN 04-05!!!
Another excerpt from Dave Barry's "What is Electricity?"
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Garbage - Cup of Coffee Lyrics: [Link] Band: [Link]
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? Oblivious, on Spike TV (I really should add spike tv to my sidebar, huh? I watch enough of it.)
What was the last thing you complained about? I just sat through four consecutive episodes of Oblivious... It was getting ridiculous, they need more variety... Mind you.. before that I had sat through a couple episodes of Real TV Oblivious [Link] SpikeTV [Link] Real TV [Link]
Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? Thanks for pointing this out - to my buddy for waiting for me to read a lowbrow moment at the DotOrg counterpart.
What was the last thing you threw away? Wrapper for butter tarts. Yum.
How am I feeling? Why? Hot and sweaty.
Website Reco? HomeRun [Link] It's nowhere NEAR related to baseball. You gotta keep the drunk guy steady while he walks home. See how far you can get. My best score is 246 meters before he hit the walkway and started snoring. It's kinda fun, but the sounds are kinda annoying.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Still muggy, but cooling down a little bit. It would have helped if I hadn't biked home fast. [Link] [Link]
Excerpt from Dave Barry's "What is Electricity?"
After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone.
the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!)
but "That's funny ..." - Isaac Asimov
What's playing? Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven Lyrics: [Link] The Man: [Link]
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? Uh... the beginning of a boring movie about a preggo woman who accidentally took someone else's identity... I forget what it's called.. And before that: The Whole Ten Yards. It was hilarious
What was the last thing you complained about? That boring movie.
What was the last thing you threw away? Brekky scraps.
How am I feeling? Why? Hmm... still tired. *yawn*
Website Reco? From Heaven to Hell [Link] That is one BIG drawing!
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Muggy. [Link] [Link]
padawan.info / an apprentice weblog [Link] A weblog primer.
I got an e-mail asking what "blog" means... What were you doing? Living under a rock?
Here's some more in case you're still confused. [Link] The final version of weblog definition.
Linkfest
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Amorphis - Morning Star
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? Mythbusters. A good show disproving myths and incredible acts.
What was the last thing you complained about? Hmm... Yesterday's heat. It's gonna be another hot day again today.
Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? Don't remember... I think I melted a bit yesterday.
What was the last thing you threw away? Tossed some used icecubes in the fridge... I ran out of water and wasn't thirsty anymore last night.
How am I feeling? Why? I'm dreading something... can't put my finger on it, but I don't want to leave the sanctity of my room.
Website Reco? So You Want To Learn Japanese. [Link] You've eaten at a few Japanese restaurants, seen some anime, hosted an exchange student, and had a Japanese girlfriend. And now, somewhere in the back of your tiny brain, you think that Japanese would be a good language to learn. Hey, you could translate video games! Or Manga! Or even Anime! Pick up Japanese girls, impress your friends! Maybe you'll even go to Japan and become an anime artist! Yeah! Sounds like a great idea! WRONG!
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Hot-Sunny. [Link] [Link]
What's playing? *thump* *thump* *thump* of my hangovered head.
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? Sumfin on the telly from the party. Yeah, I throw a good party: one that was visited by the cops. He was a good cop, helped me ease everybody out. Awesome dude!
What was the last thing you complained about? A cop coming to the party... and I thought my wallet was stolen, but I found it.
Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? "Thanks a lot, you've been a great help" to the police officer.
What was the last thing you threw away? I was cleaning up after the party.... cigarette packs, bottles, ashes, a broken cup, various half-eaten pieces of food, food wrappers annnnd.... a band aid. I have a scrape on my knee that I don't know how it got there. Someone come kiss it better :(
How am I feeling? Why? Drunk/Hungover... My head is still spinning and it's starting to hurt. Time for an aspirin.,
Website Reco? Are you an idiot? [Link] A quiz... It tells me I'm and idiot.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Too bright! [Link] [Link]
(Thank Goodness It's Finally Friday!)
Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back: (you may possibly even know some of these commentators....)
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said.
Linkfest Unleashing the "wrong kind on links" since Late 2003!
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Digitally Imported's "Chillout" streaming music station. It plays ambient, psychilloutrippy flavours! [Link] (I just made up the word psychilloutrippy... word.)
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? I just finished Season One of Samurai Jack, with Making Of Featurette, Animation Test and Original Artwork. [Link] I liked it! I really, really LIKED IT!
What was the last thing you complained about? Not enough special features there. And Spring's lack of posting. HEY SPRING! Gitcher lil butt in gear! Someone else want to Join Twisted? Spring: [Link] Join: [Link]
Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? I didn't say it, I was too shocked at their great kindness. Or they could have been scared of me and let me go first out of fear.
What was the last thing you threw away? BURRRRRRP Dinner's wrapper. I gotta do dishes soon.
How am I feeling? Why? BURRRRRP Good. Content. Dave full.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Um.... I got all the shades closed so I don't know but it was nice earlier. [Link] [Link]
Three of them this time... with a longer one at the end too! - D.
LOWBROW MOMENT: ONE
Made this woman jump off a cable car in SF once by using my psychic powers.
We were going down this steep hil, and she wanted to get off. Despite all the signs saying "DON'T get off the car while it's in motion", I told her to jump. (After all, who's gonna listen to a punk in a pinned-up leather jacket?)
She did.
And cracked her head on the street.
She got up, really pissed off, and the conductor had a laugh at her.
I'm just glad we weren't on the Golden Gate Bridge.
LOWBROW MOMENT: TWO
A Cheetah is the fastest animal on land
Okay, I'll buy that.
There are over 250,000,000 americans today.
Okay, I'll buy that.
A Computer can perform billions of operations a second.
Okay, I'll buy that.
"Careful sir, the plate's hot."
Let me investigate this one myself.
LOWBROW MOMENT :THREE
Ken Kesey's Best Story
(paraphrased from the greatest novel ever written: "Sometimes A Great Notion")
Young kid gets his own bluetick hound from his dad, and is really proud of it.
Another fox-runner challenges his dad to a hunt, so he invites his son along.
They put dad's dogs in the back of the truck, but the boy's bitch is in heat, so he sits with her on his lap.
When they get to the farm having the fox problem, the challenger is already there with his dogs. He notices the special treatment the bitch is getting, and starts jawing.
Kid gets pissed, and his dad stands up for him. So money gets bet.
They set all the dogs off, get in their trucks, and chase after them. They've obviously picked up the scent immediately.
Up the valley, back down the valley.
They stop back at the farm, where the old farmer is leaning on a post.
Dad: "Did you see them?"
Farmer: "Yup, right that way."
Kid can't resist: "Is my bitch leading the pack?"
Farmer: "Sure is."
Challenger: "Damn! How's my best hound doing?"
Farmer: "Oh, he's running a close second, right in front of the fox..."
It's horrible! [Link]
(One for you "touchy-feely" kinda people out there. - D.)
Embarrassing Moments Contest
Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Strip Mall
My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers.
Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!
Priceless
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Mom's Advice
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
I'm stuck for a title. I got nothing.
Linkfest
I'm all over the place with this one. I've been sitting on these for a few weeks now so I want them out of my bookmarks file. - D.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Never Die Alone [Link] Starring DMX [Link] and David Arquette [Link]
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? Still watching it.
What was the last thing you complained about? That *itchy girlfriend role. She does it good, but there were just too many cheap shots in 75 seconds.
Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? So far.... it's alright.
What was the last thing you threw away? Water Bottle.
How am I feeling? Why? Alright.
Website Reco? Weather Pixie [Link] See mine up there?
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Omigod it was the best weather this week! Just like Sunday! [Link] [Link]
My buddy just pointed me out at a pretty cool word, but with some pretty bad ramifications because now I want to see it done. (Again...)
What's the word? Defenestration. Here's the Definition
Well Lowbrow.Com is back (YIPPEE! HORRAY!) but before that happened ANOTHER Lowbrow happened to come out of the rampant abyss of Hades.
The natural morning alarm clock came from overhead and then there was light, because I awoke. Oh yeah, I got another toy for my sidebar.... Right below the babelfish translator and the weather report from hell. I'm gonna fill that up so much as time passes, it's gonna rock.
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Radiohead - Just
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? Spartan A movie starring Val Kilmer... It was pretty good.
What was the last thing you complained about? Hmm... not sure.
Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? Not sure again.
What was the last thing you threw away? Table scraps from breakfast.
How am I feeling? Why? I'm burning out, I can feel it. I need an evening of quality rest and relaxation.
Website Reco? Puppies [Link] You know how I linked to cats earlier? Yeah... now we got lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of cute puppies. (You don't have to install the new language pack to view it.)
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." The lightning cracks woke me up. [Link] [Link]
Which Office Moron Are You?
Rum and Monkey: jamming your photocopier one tray at a time.
I had a good weekend. I overdid it again, witnessed a crime, drank one (or three) drinks too much, danced with all the wrong women. I'm so not a drinker. I'm a social drinker, but the problem is I get so darned social. I'd better wisen up pretty soon cuz this has happened way too many times in the same week. Usually I do that once every..... few months. But I got to watch a Chuck Norris movie while suffering through my hangover. It wasn't all that good, the only thing that kept me interested was a young Anne Archer. The movie was Good Guys Wear Black [Link] starring Chuck Norris [Link] and Anne Archer. [Link] [Link]
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Korn - Counting On Me [Link] (Lyrics)
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? MXC [Link] The show by SpikeTV featuring Vic Romano and Kenny Blankenship. They crack me up.
What was the last thing you complained about? Oh... I was ranting and raving about little stuff earlier.
Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? I thanked the person who unfortunately was standing there while I ranted and raved for being such a good sport and stayed in one spot to listen. I think I scared her, heheh.
What was the last thing you threw away? Food wrapper... yum... precooked chicken....
How am I feeling? Why? Not sure... I'm here... No particular mood happening right now. Just look up... I'm the I.T. Manager. We I.T. professionals have no feelings. Bwah-hahahahaha!!! (Evil isn't a feeling, right?)
Website Reco? 50 Coolest Websites [Link] Brought to you by Time Magazine.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Hot and partly cloudy [Link] [Link]
How ya doin? Oh yeah... me too, I'm doing fine. Here's some put-downs, if you're running out of ideas. Godot knows I am, after coming up with them.
Not playing with a full deck? Hell, he's not even in the game!
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar.
A couple of bricks short of a hod.
A couple of dilithium crystals short of a warp core.
A couple of knights short of a Crusade.
A couple of togas short of an orgy.
A couple of volts below threshold.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A day late and a dollar short.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few birds shy of a flock.
A few bits short of a byte.
A few bits shy of a word.
A few bricks shy of a load.
A few cans short of a six pack, six short.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few clues shy of a solution.
A few ears short of a bushel.
A few eggs short of a dozen.
A few feet short of the runway.
A few fish short of a string.
A few guppies short of an aquarium.
A few inches short of a foot / yard.
A few kernels short of an ear.
A few lanes short of a highway.
A few lines short of a program.
A few links shy of a chain.
A few open splices.
A few peas short of a pod / casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few pixels short of an image.
A few puppies short of a pet shop.
A few rungs short of a ladder.
A few sandwiches / apples / ants short of a picnic.
A few screams short of an orgasm.
A few screws loose.
A few snowballs short of an avalanche.
A few spoons short of a full set.
A few straws shy of a bale.
A few tacos short of a fiesta platter.
A few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle.
A few tomatoes short of a thick sauce.
A few yards short of the hole.
A flower short of an arrangement.
A goose short of a gaggle.
A hamburger / a few French fries short of a Happy Meal.
A handle short of a suitcase.
A hump short of a camel.
A lap behind the field.
A little light in his loafers.
A looney tune.
A mind like wet tennis shoes: Makes squishy noises when running.
A pane short of a window.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A pickle short of a barrel.
A quart low.
A room temperature IQ.
A screw loose.
A strawberry short of a quart.
A teabag short of a pot.
A victim of retroactive birth control.
A violin minus the bow.
A walking argument for birth control.
A wind-up clock without a key.
About a half a bubble off plumb.
About as sharp as a sack of wet leather / a bowling ball / a bowl of Jell-O.
About as smart as bait.
About fifteen cents short.
About three cents short of a dollar.
Ain't wrapped too tight.
Air between the ears.
All booster - no payload.
All booster and no shuttle.
All crown - no filling.
All foam. no beer.
All hammer, no nail.
All his eggs in the same basket.
All his marbles in one bag.
All lime and salt, no tequila.
All missile, no warhead.
All plow and no tractor.
All the lights don't shine in his marquee.
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
All wax and no wick.
Almost as smart as a finch.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An early example of the Peter Principle.
An ego like a black hole.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An inch short and a stroke early.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
Answers the door when the phone rings.
Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
As thick as two short planks.
Attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
Bats in the belfry.
Batteries not included.
Been playing in the pharmacy section again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Blender doesn't go past "mix".
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches.
Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born during low tide in the gene pool.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat!
Brain on cruise control.
Brain speed inversely proportional to mouth speed.
Braindead.
Brains of a house plant.
Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
Bright as Alaska in December
Broadcasts static.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
Can carry on conversations with bushes.
Can easily be confused with facts.
Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Cauliflower / Cheezwiz for brains.
Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
Chimney's clogged.
Clutch is slipping.
Could get lost in a broom closet.
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't pick the winner of a one-horse race.
Couldn't spell "cat" if you spotted him on the "C" and the "A".
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
Crazy as all get out / a loon.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Deaf, dumb, and blonde.
Deck has no face cards.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Dialing thumb must be broken.
Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
Does aerobics... in his head.
Doesn’t have all nine players on the diamond.
Doesn't have all his dogs barking.
Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
Doesn't have both chop sticks in the chop suey.
Doesn't have both oars in the water.
Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.
Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know if he's afoot or on horseback.
Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Dr. Kevorkian got her from the neck up.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a stump / a box of rocks / a sack of hammers.
Dumber than a chicken / box of hair / a red brick / rocks.
Dumber than owl droppings.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Eating with only one chopstick.
Echoes between the ears.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.
Elevator doesn't stop at every floor.
Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
Elevator is stuck between floors.
Encyclopedia’s missing some volumes.
Engine is running, but no one is behind the wheel.
Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
Flying / landing on one engine.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
Four cents short of a nickel.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
Gets his orders from another planet.
Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
Goalie for the dart team.
God might still use him for miracle practice.
God's favorite target for lightning strikes.
Got a dozen eggs but some are cracked.
Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Half a brick short of a full load.
Half a bubble off plumb. --Attributed to Mark Twain
Half a quart low.
Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
Has a leak in his ceiling.
Has a pulse, but that's about all.
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.
Has six beers, but lacks the little plastic thing to hold them together.
Has the brains of a dog’s ass.
Has the intellectual capacity of an Allen wrench.
Has the memory of a goldfish.
Has two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hasn't enough sense to pound salt into a rat hole.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
Hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
Head whistles in a cross wind.
Hears everything that a dog can.
He's got his motor running but the gearshift is still in park.
His drill doesn't have a full set of bits.
His jogging trail doesn’t go all the way around the lake.
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his hat off / his nose!
If brains were popularity, she’d be the IRS.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he had another brain cell, it'd be lonely.
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
If he were any smarter, you could teach him to fetch.
If his IQ were 2 points higher he would be a rock.
If she were any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
If stupidity were a crime, he'd be #1 on the Most Wanted list.
If stupidity were beauty, her face could launch a million ships.
If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
If they made hats the size of his brain he would be wearing a peanut shell.
Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
Impervious to brain damage.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department.
Infinite space between her ears.
Informationally deprived.
Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
Intellectually challenged.
IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
It would be easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing!
Knitting with only one needle.
Knows Atlanta like the back of her hand, but she’s in Chicago.
Lamborghini chassis, moped engine.
Left the store without all of his groceries.
Library is well stocked - with Dr. Zeuss books.
Life by Norman Rockwell, screenplay by Stephen King.
Light not burning too bright.
Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
Lights are on but nobody's home.
Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
Little red choo-choo done jumped the track.
Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
Living proof of evolution.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Long on dry wall, short on studs.
Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
Loony as a jay bird.
Lost his trolleys.
Low on thinking gas.
Marching to a different kettle of fish.
Mental agility of a soap dish.
Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
Mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
Mind like a sieve.
Mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled.
Mind like a steel trap -- full of mice.
Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and stuck closed.
Mind like a steel trap -- things wander in and get mangled.
Mind wandered and never came back.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.
Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Missing all of the face cards.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
Music by Mozart, choreography by Beavis & Butthead.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Nice house, but nobody home / not much furniture.
No coins in the old fountain.
No filter in the coffee maker.
No grain in the silo.
No hands on the rudder / yoke.
No hay in the loft.
No one at the throttle.
No wind in her mind's windmills.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us!
Not done evolving yet.
Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
Not enough brains to get anywhere near the gutter.
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Not firing on all four / six / eight cylinders.
Not firing on all thrusters.
Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
Not only a few brick short, but is missing someone else's bricks as well.
Not only rude, but ugly too.
Not quite human any longer.
Not running on full thrusters.
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
Not the fastest car in the lot.
Not the quickest bunny in the forest.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Not the sharpest crayon in the box.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not too tightly wrapped.
Not worth pissin' on.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Nutty as a fruitcake.
Off his rocker.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick
On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One banana short of a fruit-salad.
One board short of a porch.
One boot stuck in the sand.
One brick shy of a load.
One drop short of an empty bladder.
One fang short of a vampire.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One fruit short of a basket.
One horseman short of an apocalypse.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
One sentence short of a paragraph.
One shingle shy a roof.
One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.
One ship short of a full fleet.
One snowflake short of a ski slope.
One song short of a musical.
One step short of the attic.
One tree short of a hammock.
Only got one oar in the water.
Only hitting on 7 cylinders.
Only operating at about half a watt.
Only playing with 51 cards.
Only playing with the jokers.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Out in left field with a catcher's mitt on.
Outlet isn't grounded.
Over the rainbow.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Paddling with one oar.
Paged-out.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
Perfect face for Halloween.
Permanently out to lunch.
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
Personality of a snail on Valium.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Plays solitaire... for cash.
Porch light is on, but there's nobody home.
Proof God has a sense of humor.
Puzzle is missing a few pieces.
Quick as a corpse.
Reading off an empty disk.
Receiver is off the hook.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Reset line is glitching.
Result of a first cousin marriage.
Riding a tippy canoe.
Room for rent, unfurnished.
Room temperature IQ.
Room temperature IQ - in Centigrade.
Running on empty.
Runs squares around the competition.
Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball.
She can piss standing up, but not much else.
She only packed half a sandwich.
Short a few cards.
Should be the poster child for family planning.
Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
Signs on both ears saying 'Space for Rent.'
Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
Six bricks short of a full load.
Six shy of a dozen.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
Slinky's kinked.
Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
Slow as molasses in January.
Slow out of the gate.
Smart as a politician / lawyer is honest.
Smart as bait.
Smarter than the average bear.
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
So dumb, he faxes face up.
So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
So fat, people climb over him rather than go around.
So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
Soft as baby shit.
Soft as silly putty.
Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
Some Assembly Required.
Some bugs in his software.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some M&M's missing from her bowl.
Some pages missing.
Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Strong like bull, smart like streetcar.
Stumped by anything childproof.
Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
Swapped out.
Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
Talks to plants on their own level.
The carnival has closed.
The cheese has slid off his cracker.
The computer's on but there's no prompt.
The crowd’s cheering but there’s no team on the field.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
There's a leak in his ceiling.
Thick as a brick.
Three chickens short of a hen house
Three wheels short of a Honda.
Too many birds on her antenna.
Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Took the little bus to school.
Toys in the attic.
Traveling without a passport.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Two bits shy of a word.
Two catchers and three basemen short of a World Series.
Two clowns short of a circus.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Two socks short of a pair.
Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
Understands English as well as any parrot.
Useful as a balsa wood anchor.
Useful as a chocolate frying pan.
Useful as a concrete canoe.
Useful as a glass machete.
Useful as a kick stand on a horse.
Useful as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Useful as tits on a bull / boar-hog.
Useful as tits on a tomcat.
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.
Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.
Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains.
Was napping in the nut pile the day that God was cracking nuts.
Welcome light on, but no one home.
Working with an unformatted disk.
What do you think?
D Dreamy A Awesome V Valiant I Innocent D Devious
Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
Linkfest
My Usual Self-Questionnaire.
What's playing? Godsmack, Awake
What was the last TV show or movie you watched? Independence Day. Happy fourth of July USA
What was the last thing you complained about? Sore... so sore. Been hauling wood most of the day. It's the first thing I did other than check my e-mail.
Who was the last person you complimented and what did you say? "Good idea" to my buddy whom I was hauling wood with.
What was the last thing you threw away? Table scraps.
How am I feeling? Why? *whimper* *whine* Someone come give me a massage! There's a link up there that should help you. Bring oil.
Website Reco? What we want. [Link] Parodying personal ads. It's pretty funny. Let it load up, let it run for a second then click on the scrolling images. Scroll your mouse over it again to get different values.
Complete this: "The Weather Is..." Cooperative.
Drunken Dialing
DAILY BLEED
Strong Bad E-Mail #121
Links for Tuesday
And now to my idea
Joke
Lowbrow Moment (another)
Lowbrow Moment
Banished Words List: 2005
(Archives are below)
My Stuff
Twisted Home
About Spook (My Homepage)
Spring's Blog
About As Twisted By Dave / Twisted Manifesto
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What's a "Lowbrow Moment?" You can also Check Here
Comments? Questions? Suggestions? Something to submit? Just wanna say hello? Post it here.
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## Blogs ##
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..:SH@PESHIF+ER:..
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::my trip to felicity::
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